"I should have pressed stop"
"At my door only knocks room service...I hope maybe one day it'll be you , so I can remind you of when you said "You can jump off the boat because my soul has started to burn too. Don't be afraid, just jump and I'll jump too" oh but little did I know you could paddle so fast"
"It was something normal for you. A stupid man hiding love in his pocket"
"I thought I wasn't gullible and yet I fell. I thought I wasn't naive and yet I believed. In science fiction stories. In empty words, in smiles made of plastic. In disposable smiles. You were doing it as a habit."
"Here comes another morning. I force myself to fall asleep, and I wake up nauseous. And I'm still wondering who was I? The king of the world or just another stupid man? "
"And you destroyed me, woman, no stress, just out of interest. Just as if you bought me from AliExpress. As if you found me on Yellow Pages, on "love and fairytales" section."
("Versus" by The Motans)
Now...as I'm here thinking about you and about what we were...or should I say: what I thought we were, for the first time in this last year I know it is over.
Now I know we won't be anything, we were never and we will never be anything. It is so sad that I always thought we were going to be...something. I always dreamt of having something with you that no one can have nor break, but...you weren't the one, you never wanted to be the one.
It's so funny that ever since I met you I've always had the feeling that you might be what I'm looking for and up until some days ago I thought maybe you'll change your mind and come back...but then it hit me again: come back to what? There was nothing between us...probably only a perfect illusion or dream of mine but nothing to you...nothing that mattered to you anyway...And then...why does it hurt so much? Why is this hurting me so much?
I am tired of waiting and most of all I am tired of hoping! Now...I hope you don't decide to look back at me, I hope you don't come back. There were only my dreams and hopes that kept me chained to you, to your image...my dreams and the bits of attention and bits of kindness that you offered me all the dang time, making me hope for more and love you more...
How is this fair? Do you find it fair? You don't even care anymore! How am I going to get through this? Well...I guess now you're making it easier, you think not talking to me makes it easier for me to forget you? Perhaps you saw the stupid feeling I had inside my stupid heart and you felt guilty or pity for the naive stupid girl's heart you unwillingly broke with your indifference, because that's what you've been doing for the past two months. You gave me hopes and bits of love and now you think it's ok to walk away?
Maybe you saw the love I had for you and you backed out knowing you didn't love me and wouldn't ever love me...so my question is: why? Why did you even talk to me that day? Why did you have to come in my life and turn everything upside down and show me how amazing you are, knowing I can't have you? Why did you have to make it look so perfect when you knew you couldn't give your love in return ...when you knew you loved someone else...?
Maybe I am crazy to you, you don't know what I am feeling, you never did, I never told you yet maybe you figured it out...it couldn't have been that hard to do so...
It was so awkward...it was like you came by one day and brought your kindness in a flower and made my heart happy, I thought we could be friends...why not? But look where this got me! I thought a flower was innocent, pure, just like your words were so beautiful that melted my heart. Your words and the love I thought I saw beneath them were the rose you got me that day...What I didn't know was that I was in love with flowers, roses were my passion now.
You kept bringing little innocent roses and I kept building a garden, a beautiful garden in my heart. I kept collecting your words, your sweet talking, your purity, your protection, the bits of your beautiful soul, the beautiful side that I saw in you, all these were your roses.
There were days when I waited for a rose and you never showed up and the next day you would surprise me and bring two roses...There were weeks when you didn't care to bring me your flowers and then all of a sudden you came back and brought roses every single day for months. With you, it was always a surpise, a beautiful one. The days when I was crying, waiting for you didn't even matter anymore when I saw you coming back, when I saw you standing at the door of my heart again. I got used to receive you whenever you came back and knocked at the door of my heart, I started to wait for you every single day...
The tears falling down my cheeks in the days when you didn't care to come by were already forgotten and wiped away because every single time you came back my heart opened again and let you in, my heart was waiting for you, my soul was craving your presence inspite my brain being totally against it, against this continouos break you caused to my heart. Because even though you came back, every time you left you took a piece of my heart and even though I thought you replaced the piece with a new one by coming back, you never did, you only brought a crooked piece back, one that looked like it could make my heart complete but it was only the appearance of one because once you stoped, it all changed and I could see the truth, the real broken pieces, I could finally see the real thorns behind your roses...
My birthday came along and your roses were all over my heart that week, you were so sweet, your roses were smelling like love, you took care of me, you protected my heart, you stayed next to me all the time, your words and actions gave me hope that maybe you will be the one to bring me roses for the rest of my life...I would have accepted even the days when you woulnd't show up with roses because I knew I didn't deserve your beautiful roses and that's why I was willing to do anything for you and your love and happiness...
And yet it wasn't enough for you...You started to come up at the door of my heart with no roses... even though having you was enough for me...
They say that "to the wrong person you'll never have any worth but to the right person you'll mean everything"...well you ment everything for me but you chose not to care about it. I was the "wrong person" to you, and now I know because...
One day you stopped...
One day you stopped bringing me roses...
One day I realized your roses will never be mine anymore...
One day you stopped bringing your roses forever.
Now my heart is empty, there's no garden anymore. Everything is gone. And I...I don't want your roses anymore! I don't want your stars, your moon, your sun, your colors, your perfectness, your kindness, your protection nor your words. Now I know you're not the one with whom I was supposed to have a garden, I know you're not the one that had to bring me roses!
So don't come back, your roses are withered now! My heart was left withered...
Don't bring me roses anymore, don't bring me lilies either, don't bring me asters, carnations, chysanthemums, daffodils nor tulips! I don't want your flowers anymore! I've had enough of the thorns behind your roses!
Go! Don't look back, I'll be fine! Just be happy, you deserve it! And please don't ever get roses for any other girl...your roses hurt, don't open the windows if you are cold, don't buy if you are not going to pay, don't talk if you are going to be silent, don't start if you aren't going to continue and don't give roses if there are thorns on them!
