"Go all the way with it. Do not back off. For once, go all the goddamn way with what matters."
-ERNEST HEMINGWAY, THE COMPLETE SHORT STORIES
So he called me an entire field of sunflowers. I hope that meant I was beautiful and yellow and bright and full of life. It was only then I realized that when he thought I was that, and I called him the sun's favorite, it also meant I would cling to him like he was essential for my survival.
For the record, I didn't want that to happen. But oddly enough, it felt that way, and I didn't like it.
Another thing that I didn't like was how he seemed to be going out a lot every night, and just casually jumping from one girl to another after telling me all those things. It just didn't follow.
My heart was breaking every time I would watch him walk out of Boss Vic's office with his head down. Sure, I was fuming every time I saw pictures from his night-outs, but watching him suffer was something else.
So the martyr in me decided to assure him that it was okay to go out partying and drink towers of alcohol on a weeknight. I also blatantly told him that I approve of the way he had been with three different women the past week. I practically showed that I support whatever coping mechanism he had to forget the hurt he felt even if it would mean that I'd spent less time with him. Where is my monument?
I even left him a note that said he'll forget her. I meant it, but in my head there was a sentence that didn't make it to the paper.
And when you do, please remember me.
Sure enough, James followed my advice and went on a party streak just this week. I haven't spoken to him in ages and though it was killing me, I didn't do anything about it. Technically, he was just being an obedient servant.
It was not until that one fateful lunch that we were able to catch up again. Inside the tent, he sat next to me as he munched on a bar of chocolate. I was having fettuccine while listening to music on speaker. Van Morrison's Have I Told You Lately came on and I heard James scoff after the first line.
"Okay, enlighten me. Why do you listen to this song? I hate it."
I looked over my shoulder and told him, "Uh, first of all, nakiki-share ka lang ng music. So bawal ang pakialamero." I tried to go for a cold, heartless tone, but let's be real; there's no way I could nail that when my cheeks are burning at the thought of him sitting next to me. "Second, looks like someone's in a sour mood. What is up with you?"
His voice and expression softened. "Sorry. I didn't get any sleep."
"I see. I bet last night was wild." I secretly rolled my eyes and prayed he didn't notice the disapproval in my voice.
I didn't get a reply. He finished the remaining piece of the chocolate in his fingers and leaned his head against my shoulder. "My head hurts so bad. I want to sleep."
I've been trying to restrain myself from saying nasty comments about his night life but I had to let this one out, "You should've just did that instead of going out. You know today's a long work day."
I felt his eyelashes flutter against my skin and I forgot how a fork worked. "Yes, I know. I'm sorry."
He said the last two words with a soft, peaceful voice that I had missed hearing the past weeks. If everything that came out of that mouth would be uttered in that manner, I think he could have anything he would ask for without asking twice.
"Tell me, James. How are you holding up? How's the 'forgetting thing' going?" The words flowed out of my tongue without caution.
He let out a sarcastic laugh and crossed his arms. "Horribly. Nothing's working for me."
I felt genuinely sad about his reply. He was still hurting. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
"Do what?"
"Like-" I shrugged. Like I don't know. Let me take care of you or whatever.
"You're doing just fine, Nadine. Thank you for the trust and patience. That's more than enough." James sat up straight and snatched my plate and fork. I was about to protest, but I'm betting the poor boy's breakfast and lunch was that chocolate bar.
"Take care of yourself, please." I begged him.
"I am taking care of myself, that's why I stole your lunch." He grinned at me before he shoved some pasta into his mouth.
We spent the next seconds sitting next to each other in silence. The only sound that filled the air was the song playing in the background to which James had commented again.
"I think the question is stupid. What if you ask someone that, you know, have I told you lately that I love you, and the answer is no? They could start fighting. Why do you like this song?" He said in a very serious tone as he scooped the remaining strands of pasta on the plate.
"The way you're so worked up with this is so entertaining." I chuckled. "But I like this song. Ever heard of rhetorical questions, Einstein? The purpose is to make a point, not to get an answer."
I earned a glare from him and I couldn't help but let out a laugh again. "If I were the one to ask this, I'm going to expect an answer. It's a yes or no question, sentence structure wise. If I hear a yes, then I'm being a good lover. If hear a no, then I need to step up my game."
He sounded so proud of his work I found it amusing. "That is one way to put it. But I don't think I could answer a question as straightforward as that."
"Oh, can't you? I think you can." He looked at me like he was about to give me a challenge that I could not hurdle. He was testing me. I froze while I thought about all the possible things he might ask me and all the scenarios in my head were all terrifying.
There was a long pause, then, "Try me."
He leaned back, probably satisfied with the answer I gave him. And then he dropped the bomb he was working on:
"Have I asked you to come over at my house to play video games and have dinner?"
"No?" I replied, really unsure of where this was heading.
"Then I need to step up my game. Can we do that tonight?"
"Yes?" I replied, still not unsure where this was heading.
So what are you now? Now that my answer is yes?
A/N: SAGOT GULAMAN, FANEYS! SAGOT! HAHAHAHAHAHA
xoxo,
v
