A Year of Winter

twenty-two

I was about to speak up, but something inside her burst, like a floodgate that’d been held shut for too long. “I’ve supported every single thing he’s ever done, but we’ve never even had a single conversation about my future. He didn’t even know I wanted to go into fashion until the other month, when I got accepted. Don’t you think that’s a little fucked up?”

It’s not a question she means to be answered.

“That’s the other thing about Andrew. He’s stuck in high school. He’ll always be stuck in this mindset, where he’s the star athlete, dating the head cheerleader, and the entire school reveres him. And the fact is, he’s so immature, he doesn’t even realize it.”

I frowned, staring at my feet. What I would have given just a few months ago to hear Noelle speak about Andrew like that; to hear her regret their entire relationship would have been a blessing. But now, it just made me sad.

“Sometimes…” she mumbled, her voice a whisper, “I just wish he was more like you, Henry.”

Suddenly, I felt my joints tense. My entire body solidified, the cold winter air rushing in to freeze my blood in my body until I could not move at all.

“You’ve always been so mature, Henry. You’re passionate about what you love, and it’s not some high school fantasy. You’re sweet, and you’re generous, and you’ve always been there…”

“Noelle, I—”

“—A few weeks ago,” she said tensely, her voice quiet and her breath heavy and warm, “when I asked you if you’d ever been in love, you said you didn’t think so. But did you…did you ever love me? You did, didn’t you?”

My voice was hoarse, though I hadn’t said much of anything.

“I could see you staring. I saw you watching us, every time Andrew and I were together, looking like you were in pain. You had a crush on me. How long, Henry?”

“Noelle, I—”

“Please, Henry, I need to know.”

I frowned, and out of the corner of my eye, I could feel her eyes on me. A few months ago, I would have grabbed her by her face and kissed her until I ran out of breath. But now, I felt nothing but numbness. I felt hollowed out inside.

“Since we were kids,” I told her quietly, my hands clenching into fists in my lap. “I wanted to be with you, Noelle. For so long, I wanted to be with you, but you were with Andrew, and it killed me.”

Her voice cracked, and her slim fingers reached for my hands. “But now it doesn’t matter. We’re both going to college in the city, and we can be together. I was so stupid, Henry, for so long, but I should have picked you. I should have chosen you.”

I should have chosen you.

I could have chosen you.

I didn’t choose you.

Now I want you.

Nervously, I pulled my hands from her grip, shaking my head. “No, Noelle. I can’t do that.”

She looked broken, her eyes welling up with tears. “Fuck it. Fuck Andrew. Fuck everything! None of that matters anymore, Henry, except that there’s us!”

“There’s no us,” I said feverishly, putting distance between us on the bed. “There can’t be an us.”

“Is it something I’ve done? I can tell Andrew…I-I’ll break it off with him tonight. He doesn’t understand—”