It has been awhile after I lost him.
What I did was right? Was it?
I was born in a conservative family. Each of our actions should be calculated. Anyone cannot afford a single mistake, for there is an equal punishment for one. We live in a comfortable lifestyle, but being there in that huge and immaculate house with them feels like walking in burning shoes.
It was the seventh day of February when I decided I wanted out, so I decided to take the fastest way –to take my life away – I was not the one running my own life anyway so why should I bother living? I have been thinking over this thought for years, but now thankfully, I finally found the guts to do it.
Everything was prepared: I wrote the letter for my parents and locked my bedroom door. But as I was about to put the noose around my neck, I remembered something. The other thing that kept my mind preoccupied these past few days. That little heart beat inside my tummy. I didn't have a great childhood, I didn't want my child to experience it too or take it away from him.
I packed my things and left that house for good. It was one of the happiest moments in my life. Leaving 'home' feels like breathing again after being suffocated for a long time.
I took various jobs to support myself and my baby. Despite how small our house is compared to my parents' house, I love this house nonetheless. It made me feel what a real home should feel.
I was very close to my son. We were happy together, but it all changed when that girl got in the picture.
I felt how my son slowly slipped away from my fingers. I used to be the center of his world. Even a single nod from him meant a lot to him. He spent most of his time with that girl. What supposed to be our cherished family time turns to heated argument. Can you imagine that girl? Just look how that girl made my poor boy changed.
Ever since the first time my son brought that girl in our house to introduce her to me, I did not show her any kindness. Could you blame me? My son is what I only have left.
My son kept pleading me to accept her or just treat her nicely, but I remained stubborn. Until my son couldn't take it anymore.
I still remember that very night. For some it was like every other night, but for me, it was something altogether. We were having our usual argument and it got to the point where he was really trying hard not to yell at me, when all of a sudden, he got quiet and just stormed off the house. I still heard the sound of his car engine starting when I was rushing towards my bedroom. I locked myself and burned my eyes crying until sleep envelope me.
It was around five in the early morning when a phone call woke me up. I don't know if I should be happy because the girl can't have him anymore, but how could I be when that phone call prove that even I couldn't have him too.
"Well I guess I finally got to finish something." I wrapped the noose around my neck tight. Even if I wanted to cry, I don't think I still have a strength to shed a tear. What is there to live for? He's gone now. I left out a laugh when I notice that it was the seventh day of February today. It was the same date when I first attempted to take my life, but I know that this time around no one is going to stop me.
He's gone.
He got taken away.
Only this time, it was not because of the girl.
It was me.
