Blue Eyes Black Tears

Scars of Life

*First story, and mention of triggers in description. Enjoy and don't be afraid to tell me a few touch ups*

My name is Tegan Wills, I'm depressed. I know that isn't a good started for this story but if someone reads this, then they could help me along the way. I live with my older brother PJ and his best friend James, I moved out of my parents house when I turned 20 this year, it's been okay living here so far, James can be a real ass though sometimes. Now I'm sitting in my room browsing Tumblr looking at all of the fandom pages.

*Knock Knock Knock*

"Come in PJ" I answered, he knows I like looking at band stuff, I just find it cool. The door opened and it was James, just great...

"Sup loser, how's Tumblr?" he said as he sat on my bed.

"You are 24 years old and you still use old lines like that? I'm so impressed.." I said to him, he just loved to tease me, James and Pj don't know about my depression coming back some days or the little marks on my arm, I wear so many bracelets and bandages now it's like I don't have an arm anymore.

"You know you love me Teeg" he purred as he used that horrible nickname for me, so I turned around and slapped him pretty hard, PJ even heard so he came into my room.

"What just happened?" he said as he just noticed the red mark on James' face, "Tegan I told you not to harass James..."

"Hey! He started it and called me Teeg" I said trying to defend myself. He just walked out of my room in defeat.

"Bitch of a snitch" James said to me,

"Asshole!"

"Freak"

"Jerk!"

"Go kill yourself already!"

"Maybe I will!"

"Fine"

"Fine!"

And with that I stormed out of my room, grabbed the extra keys and my wallet, then walked out of the house. I didn't know where I was going 20 minutes into walking, I just wanted to be as far away from him as possible, so I went to the park and sat on a bench. I rolled up the sleeves of my dark colored sweater and stared at the scars on my arm, the many scars from the nights where I'd sit in the bathroom crying. 

 I'm trying to stop right now, it would be a lot better if I got rid of this before it's too late. They know I used to cut, but I lied to them about my little relapse a week ago, I would have been clean three months today, but nope.

I was way into my playlist of music when I felt a hand on my shoulder, I looked behind me and saw James behind me. 

"Why didn't you say something?" he said with worry in his tone, he saw my bandages. I wanted to cry right now.

"Why do you care? Nobody wants me on this planet and you have proven that well enough! Everyone hates me and you are the only person who knows I'm still depressed and cuts still, let me guess, you're going to tell my brother aren't you?" I said as I stared blankly at him, I wanted to say so much more but I was stopped, he took me into his arms and hugged me tight, I hate being touched, especially by this guy.

"I'm sorry Tegan, if only I had known, I never would have told you to go kill yourself" he whispered to me. I didn't know whether to believe him or not, I pushed his hands off me and ran back to the house, how dare he even touch me! I hate him so much right now.

Once I got home Pj was starting to make dinner, so I slipped past the kitchen and went to my room, I opened Tumblr and started to play my music.

A few minutes later I heard the door open and close, James was back home. I pressed my ear to the door so I could hear what he said to my brother.

"Hey James! You seem a little down are you alright?" he asked as he began to notice his glum features.

"Yeah, I need to go work on something, I'll be in my room for the night. Oh and Tegan said she didn't want to eat tonight" he lied to my brother, why was he covering for me all of a sudden? I waited ten minutes after hearing his bedroom door close, then I decided to go inside and check on him.

I walked inside his room to see him facing the wall away from me on his bed, I walked over and sat on the bed.

"You're cutting because of me aren't you..." he asked blankly.

"No, it's not. I've been cutting since I was 17, and recently a week ago I had a relapse " I said, I explained why. The teasing at school, the name calling was too much, everybody hated me and told me I was better off dead, so I started to do it, it lifted the pain for a few moments and sometimes I cut too deep. James was going to kill me for this but I also started when he and PJ moved in together, I felt alone because even my brother ditched me for somebody else, life just wasn't fair anymore. And I'm sorry if I can't see that many good things about my life, my mother is always working and she doesn't even pay attention. My father does business as well and is always gone. 

Last week I just couldn't get those old memories out of my head, and I did it again for the first time in a couple months.

"If I knew I never would have teased you or called you a cunt, or a bitch and everything else under the sun" He said as he turned to face me, he looked like he had been crying for a couple minutes now. My secret was out now, was he going to tell my brother? Or will he ignore it and just go on with life like he should?

"James I said it wasn't your fault! Please just let it go and don't tell Pj please!" I said as I started to cry again, the next thing came unexpectedly. He hugged me and held me close, I guess it's fine this time..

"Guys are you okay?" said a voice, Pj walked into the room.

"I need to go back to my room, I need sleep goodnight bro" I said as I got up and hugged my brother, I went to my room and locked the door. Why did his behavior at me change, the girls at my school found out and they pushed me even harder over it when I first did it.

I put in my ear buds and turned on a random song, I needed to think of other things, but I don't think it was going to happen.... His sudden behavior change was weird, he was himself this morning but after I left the house and he followed me, it changed.  So should I explain this whole situation? Basically I'm trying to cure my depression and nasty habits, I've had a few set backs, but the most I've gone without any means of self harm has been two months. Then again I was in a small schooling program for a bit until I moved, and almost died.

I'm reaching out to other people for help, I want to get better I really do. I just need help to get me there. This could be the best thing for me to do, maybe make some friends like me, get social media again. Basically re start my life, so this is the beginning of that. 

*I work on updates every week! Next chapter will be up soon*