The Cost of Love

My Last Duchess (Complete)

It was early April and the showers that would give birth to may flowers had already started popping up and cleansing the city of and it’s in habitants of its sins. This was the type of weather in which lovers would draw each other close for warmth.  I knew this for a fact as I kept seeing people walk into the coffee shop back in forth holding hands, snuggling under umbrellas and losing each other in an embrace. It was like the rain wiped away the individual identities and borders of who they were, than melted them together. I was on my sixth consecutive hour at work and had been in two classes before this so I was utterly exhausted.

Thank God that the shop was closing in ten minutes, than I would be free to go home to Ruby’s gumbo tonight. As i began cleaning the counter the bell above the door rang signaling the arrival of a customer. “What are you up to Michael I didn’t know you worked here?” Elisea walked in soaking wet struggling to tuck in her umbrella. “Yeah I been working here for the last few months, it helps pay for school and I get to see beautiful people all day, and hear the most interesting conversations.” Although she had distracted me I didn’t stop cleaning and putting things away.

“Wow you have horrible customer service no wonder this place was empty when I got here. You haven’t even tried to sell me something.” She was joking again and nudged me with her folded umbrella. “Nothing in here looks good, what do you recommend?” I zoned out looking at her lips, and only caught the end of her sentence. “No matter what you get it won’t look as good as you, or be worthy of gracing your lips.” Dammit I didn’t mean for that to slip out and had hoped she didn’t hear me.

“Ha that was sweet of you Michael if you weren’t gay I might consider talking to you. Anyway I think I’ll have a white mocha.” She seemed to be an expert at hitting me below the built now, and I looked down with a look of defeat in my eyes.

“Cheer up you’re still cute.” She kissed me on my cheek just as I looked up into her dark brown eyes. “There feel any better?” She closed her eyes and smiled at me while she leaned against the counter. Before I could think I kissed her back on the lips and I didn’t stop. She was stunned at first and her lips were closed. But then she opened her lips and kissed back her soft hands touched mine. I began to lose myself as she began to move back but still managed to pull my lips with hers. I put my hands around her arms and drew her back.

“I guess you’re not gay after all” She smiled and I looked at her eyes and I was about to kiss her again and then the steam from the coffee pot went off. “Guess my Mocha is done huh?” She wiped her lips and stopped leaning against the counter.

Once the coffee shop closed I went with her to a gallery in Oakland to see if they were having a new showing. The bay area had many places for artist to meet and collaborate, although they weren’t as advertised as the shootings and other things in the area. I stepped into the gallery and I grabbed her hand to reassure myself that this was real. “I’m not going anywhere you don’t have to hold on so tight.” She removed her silk like hand from my grasp but continued walking by my side. When we arrived at one of the center pieces of a much smaller room I saw a photo of Ricardo naked with paint over his body and writing saying love is blind written on his torso. His hands and eyes bound while a man and women cradled him. Elisea got closer and looked at the caption beneath it and it read:

“That's my last Duchess painted on the wall,

Looking as if she were alive. I call

That piece a wonder, now: Fra Pandolf's hands

Worked busily a day, and there she stands.”

“This sounds like that poem by Robert Browning.” She looked at me to see if I knew what it was, or if I had even heard of the author. “I’ve never read his work before I often just sparked notes my reading assignments in high school.” She gave me a disappointed look, and smacked her palm against my head. “That’s for cheating.” I was stunned and held my head in my hand. 

“Hey at least I was honest, and part of the blame falls on my school for not recognizing that…” Before I could finish she placed a kiss on my forehead, somewhat warm and motherly. We kept walking around the small room which held a few more pictures of Ricardo in it. There was one gray scale photo with Ricardo starring outside the window and his dimples showing as he looked away from the camera. The caption there read.

“How such a glance came there; so not the first

Are you to turn and ask thus. Sir, 'twas not

Her husband's presence only, called that spot

Of joy into”

I laughed a bit getting the meaning of this line as Ricardo often laughed and smiled at the most trivial things with a kind of childlike joy and wonder. “Hey Elisea want to hear something funny, These pictures all have my ex in them.” I laughed and she giggled. “He must have broken up with you huh?” I looked to face her with a look of awe. “Yes how’d you know?” She just smiled and I knew once again she would speak words like daggers to me. “Because I can’t see you breaking up with someone that attractive, and you seem to still carry a chip on your shoulder. Just don’t expect me to help carry that while you’re still holding onto past luggage, because the last thing I need is for someone to trip off me, when I may be falling for me. Do you like these puns?” She turned around and faced someone that wasn’t there as if she were breaking the fourth wall. Her tongue was quick and the only way I could think to silence her was with a kiss, and as I was about to I heard familiar voices huddled together and muffled.

I looked across the room ad I saw my family looking at some abstract pieces and laughing at an artist ink brushes of himself drawing stick figures. My dad looked happy there with my little brother Jory and His twin Joy together both texting. I wanted to reach out to them and I think Elisea began to read my mind, and she grabbed my hand and we walked out towards the exit. Before I could open the door I saw my mom open it and walk into the gallery.

“Michael is that you?” She looked at me with teary eyes, and I held my head down. I was hoping this was all a dream but I felt Elisea grab my hand tighter.

“Yes mom behold it is me the prodigal son.” I looked into her eyes which held shock and sadness and I showed her mine which held sorrow laced with anger. She tried to grab my freehand and I quickly discarded it. My body reacted to her touch as if she were poison to me or as if she were intending to harm me.

“Elisea lets leave I don’t feel like I belong here!” I raised my voice and saw my brother and sister turn to see me. I fled leaving Elisea behind unintentionally and walked towards to hail a cab. Within a few minutes Elisea arrived just in time for the cab to come. We both got in and it was quiet the whole ride to the BART. “I can understand where you’re coming from Michael but you should know I don’t like being abandoned. Also look up that poem and re read some of Robert Browning’s work.” She got off on her stop.

I had sabotaged my relationship with two women with one stone. I got back to Ruby’s a bit late so she was already asleep, I than hopped onto my new laptop and Finished reading the poem finding it a bit funny and dark. At least he only had been mentioned in a few stanzas as captions and not the last. I than felt my phone vibrate and received a voicemail. I Listened to it briefly to see who it was, it was Ricaerdo’s voice and it was difficult to hear.

“Michael I am undeserving of your forgiveness and love but Is it selfish to want it anyway? I have been sober for the last couple of Days but I wanted to tell you that I love you. No matter how much I was paid to be with you or apart from you it never added up to being worth the Cost of Lo” The voicemail cut off and the answering machine had listed the message as being days old.

His voice and tone made me worry and I thought of the poem I had just read, and the art I had seen earlier and began to connect the dots. I checked online the name of the gallery exhibit. It was a recent add by a man who had given a few grand to the gallery if they would donate a small room for his lover. His name is Jessie Garasendi and he had been involved with Ricardo that night. I looked for his grave site online, once I had the address I called Ramen and we took off.

It was midnight when we finally reached him and I found it. There it was l saw the last part  of the poem posted  on his grave.

“Whene'er I passed her; but who passed without

Much the same smile? This grew; I gave commands;

Then all smiles stopped together. There she stands

As if alive. Will't please you rise? We'll meet

the company below, then”