Yesterday And Today

One

"We tried our best but we are sorry." -I heard the doctor saying this to my brother. My mom was sitting next to me, patting on my shoulder and trying to give me hope.

"Everything will be fine, honey." - there was a slight smile on her face. "Your father has always been resistent to all kinds of illnesses. He will beat leukimia too."

"He didn't", - my lips didn't move but these words came out of my mouth. I was losing consciousness. I couldn't feel my heart beating but I could feel the paleness on my face. Everything became blurry and suddenly it was all black..
Now I found myself lying down between the rail tracks. I could hear  train's whistle from far away which was gradually getting louder. The train was heading towards me but as I was paralysed I couldn't step aside. Then suddenly, the train passed right over me.
That is when I came back to this world.

I was lying on my bed now. I have no idea when and how did I end up in my room. The whole family was there, my uncles, aunts, cousins, their husbands/wives and their children making a huge circle around me. One of my aunts was raising my legs upwards to encourage blood flow to the brain. My mom was sitting on my right side rubbing my hands and in a quiviring voice calling my name.
" Sevda, please. Wake up. Talk to us. Sevda."

I touched her face and wiped the tears in her eyes. She looked at me and suddenly she was smiling and crying at the same time. She held my hand and kissed it.
"Oh dear, I thought I was going to loose you too."

That 'too' reminded me of what happened in the hospital. My father. My daddy. My first love. My heroe. I left him alone. No. He left me alone in this cruel world.  I was whinning and calling him. My mom hugged me and cried with me. Now I understood the presence of every one else. I didn't recognize many faces nor did I remember their names. Because I see my relatives only on three occassions.

1) When someone is born.
2) When someone gets married.
3) When someone dies.

It was the third occassion that brought them all together today. They were all wearing black clothes. I call those 'Mourning Uniforms' which was brought to us by the Roman Empire thousands of years ago.

After I recovered myself I stood up and went to the veranda. There were 4 to 5 women sitting there howling loudly and beating themselves lightly. I thought maybe they were close relatives of my father but later I figured out that they were there just to create a sad atmosphere.

"Deniz, I can't believe you hired mourners on the funeral." I was so mad at my brother.

"Did you want it to be a quite funeral like in Western countries?" - he said. "Ofcourse, no. Therefore I called wailers cause I knew that no one from our family was going to cry on our father's death.

"Do you think the Eastern method is an appropriate one?" - his words were hurting me. How could he use the words 'father's death' so easily.

"Who are you to criticize?"

"I am not criticizing anyone, Deniz. But we don't need mourners. At least not at our father's funeral. Please, tell them to leave. I can't bear them anymore."

"I have already paid them in advance, I can't ask them to leave now. Go to your bedroom and have some rest." - he stroke gently my head and left the veranda.

"It's funny how we care more about our money than our feelings." I said to myself when my brother left. "This materialism will devour all our emotions one day."

I locked myself in my room and cried oceans until I fell asleep.