Nothing Like Us (L.H.)

Chapter 52

So many times have I stopped myself from wanting to tear away the "goodbye" part. And until now, it still hurts. It's all too confusing and sudden. After what happened the night before, I never would have thought I'd wake up with an empty sheet beside me. But the emptiness of my bedside is nothing compared to what I feel.

I sighed to myself. I took out my phone to divert my mind from it. My lockscreen was still a photo of us. I've changed it lots of times, but always with a photo of us. Not seeing her when I open my phone felt a little too foreign. I tried. Just last week, I changed it to one of the selfies she took when we first started dating. I was asleep, I think. My eyes were closed but a smile was apparent on my face as Sydny was kissing the tip of my nose. From the looks of it, it looks like we were in my bed at our L.A. house. I just can't remember exactly when it was. I wish I could.

There are still tons of photos of us on my phone. I know she deleted hers. Or at least she claimed to. I saw our photos in her laptop. Still, I know by doing so, she was trying to let go. I should've seen it. The signs were everywhere. She's been giving it off ever since Nick came back from God knows where. I was just too blind to see it. No. Actually, it's more like, I chose to ignore them because I was hoping to build another reality. And God, I hoped so hard that my version would come true.

Obviously, it didn't. If it did, I might still be here in this room but maybe I won't be alone. Maybe the spaces between my fingers won't feel empty and cold on Christmas Day. Maybe tomorrow, I would wake up with my arms feeling dead cause her head has been resting on it the whole night. Maybe I'd wake up to my brothers saying I smell like a girl because I've acquired the smell of her perfume. Maybe I won't be feeling so blank.

But right now, my fingers have nothing but themselves. I've got no one to fill the spaces between them. I'd wake up tomorrow feeling my arms all well. I'd still smell like myself. Because I got nothing. It's Christmas and the thing I want the most just happens to be the thing that I can't have. 

My eyes stung. I locked my phone and took a deep breath. I could hear her voice inside my head.

"I love you."

And again.

"I love you."

And again.

"I'm sorry. I love you."

My skin started to hurt in longing for her short, sweet kisses. But there's nothing I can do. Perhaps, that's the worst part. Wanting to do something to try and make things right but not having the ability to do so. How, when I know nothing? And again, I heard, "I love you."

Deep breath. My cheeks were tickled by a drop of a tear.

"I love you," I said. "And I wish you're here to hear it. Please."

And I just couldn't take it anymore. Ever since she left, I haven't cried a single tear. I was clinging on to a hope that she just went somewhere for a while, that she was supposed to come back. I still do, but I've been pretending to be fine for so long. And it's just a massive weight to bear.

That night, I let myself cry. It didn't took me long to fall into a dreamless sleep. Even in my subconscious, I can't find her.

.

.

.

"You missed Christmas Eve." A voice said, startling me awake.

My room was bright. I squinted my eyes to let them adjust. A silhouette of a girl was looking down at me. Arms crossed over her chest.

"Come on." She said. "Your mum's calling for you."