Project female

My life

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Project FEMALE : part 1. little writing I did hope y'all like like it.

I looked down at my busted shoes , it's been months since I had new shoes let alone new clothing ! I wasn't that chick that had name brand clothes , hair laid all the time , hell I hardly had it all. No one understands how hard it is having a drug addict mother , I didn't have a father to protect and teach me things that any lady should be taught , ever since I was 10 I been on my own . I mean of course I stayed with my mom, but she was so strung out on heroin it wasn't a day that went by I worried about rather she'll be alive or not, basically I took care of the apartment . Cooked , clean , payed the bills , went to school , did it all over again . It was weighing me down physically and emotionally I looked like I been through hell and back ! My features made up for it I guess .
Luckily , I had good hair being that the island genes had a major effect with everything, my hair was long and wavy no perm , I never even had my hair professionally done or straighten, I wore it in a ponytail slicked back with my baby hair swooped in the right places to be laid I remember when I was younger I've always been question for my nationally, my family resided in the Solomon Islands , that's where my golden brown skin came from you would've thought I been touched by the sun but it was just the glow I've always had. My curvy, small waist figure would capture attention I'm sure if I was out here wearing mini dresses , and shorts , like the rest of these chicks from my city but being that I didn't have the coins to wear and dress as I please I had to do what it do , go to the Salvation Army to wear what was available which wasn't much to choose from.
Sweat beaded down from my forehead , I wiped my forehead in frustration as I snapped back to reality what was I thinking wearing these big layered clothes in the summer time ? I frustratedly thought to myself . Truth be told , I wasn't big on attention and I didn't need no distractions coming my way not with the way my life was set up that's far from what I needed. "You coming on or what" a voice said , I looked up seeing the RTS driver , who had a impatient look on he's
Face . Get it together Senia , reminding myself I had to eat when I got back home, I prayed there was food in the fridge or freezer at least I haven't ate no breakfast and there was times I went days possibly a week with nothing to eat , no wonder why I kept coming in and back out of reality . I got on the bus and put in the dollar and change that was needed . I sat in the back as a way to collect my thoughts , I was tired honestly . I worked my butt off , just to pay bills , take care of my mother and barely have food in the house something had to give. For the remainder of the ride I sat down quickly peering out the window , as the bus drove past busted houses and the ghetto city of Chicago . I had to find a way to get more income money , I was 21 no car , nothing to show for I was disappointed with myself the little 9 hr job didn't work , I worked at the Salvation Army Which barely got by to take
Care of everything that was going on around me.
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"I need some money pumpkin" my mom skinny fragile figure came blocking the doorway of my bedroom. This was a daily regular routine, my mom would be gone for days had me worrying and came back to either ask for money , sleep, or sometimes eat away what I had but she normally didn't have an appetite , I tried to
Get her rehab countless of times I wanted that perfect relationship where Females
I seen had with there mothers , who always showed up to school to meet parents in regards to there children grades , or bring them balloons and cake for there birthday , I NEVER Had that from my mom ... if I was to be a quitter and drop out of high school at the time I attended , my mom wouldn't of even noticed that's how bad it was ... she was so far addicted she needed the drugs to help her function or she'll have terrible withdrawal . "ma I can't give you money , I need whatever I have to make it stretch for Friday groceries " I told my mom. Yea we had food stamps but it didn't no longer matter, my mom stole the food stamp card and sold it to someone in exchange of money to buy drugs , that's another thing I had to do was hide everything from my mom she had sticky fingers and took anything in possession long as she could get high, I even had to hide my belongings and keep it locked up ! "Pumpkin please ...." she came towards me , I wasn't falling for her set up she made me feel bad by forcing me to give her money by saying she'll die if she don't get it. I wasn't budging today it was time for her to get it together, I loved my mom so much but I refuse to continue helping her bad habits , "don't you want to see me alive so when you have grand babies I can be the best nanny alive " she said placing her hands on my chin , I looked her in the eyes . She was drugged out it took a toll on her appearance , her once cinnamon smooth completion , light brown eyes , long hair was ruined . Her skin was covered with scars from poking herself with the needles and scratching and cutting herself
From withdrawal , her hair was sloppily placed in a bun needed to be comb
Through, her eyes were clouded and no longer bright . It hurt my soul to see her like this , "No Ma, I am not falling for it ... how about I cook a nice hot meal" I suggested thinking of frozen pizza that was in the freezer , I could really cook good but the way money was set up nobody had the financials to buy shrimp and steak and eat out whenever , wherever I don't even remember me even being in a restaurant , I don't think
Mc' Donald's count . "I'm S-sick" she hissed. She was trying to make me feel bad but I was so use to this it was becoming a routine for her, "let's get you help than ma " hoping she'll agree knowing that wouldn't ever happen. "NO! " she yelled , she pointed at me "you don't love me , you want me sick .. you want me to die" she screamed . I sighed getting sad , I just wanted her to be normal . "ma come on let me fix us some pizza " I got up and headed to the kitchen . She ran to the kitchen scramming, as she wildly went through the kitchen hardware and cabinets , she pulled out a sharp butcher knife , "you don't give me that money pumpkin I will kill my self I swear I will" she violently screamed , as she pointed the knife to her neck her eyes looked crazy and being that before when I didn't give her money she took a dose of different pills to attempt suicide , was rushed to the hospital , and survived I knew how serious she could get . I sighed , "ma you need help" I softly said to her looking at her as she continued to hold the knife but this time closer towards her neck , the pointed sharp knife was now touching her neck , I didn't want to risk tussling with the knife and end up getting hurt or anyone get hurt this was to dangerous , I couldn't think of anything else to calm her but drugs , "PUMPKIN don't tempt me , I will slice myself and die right now " she yelled at me , I'm sure my neighbors Were so use to hearing screaming all types of things happened at this apartment , I'm surprised the cops weren't never called. "Dang ma , you need to stop this" frustrated , I went to my mom locked the door behind me so she wouldn't see where I kept my stashed at , I've been saving ever since I was little and Been off taking care of her and myself , I pulled out money and held it in my hand .... saying a silent Prayer asking god to protect her and one day stop the addiction and madness. I came back , her eyes widened as she seen and knew I had the money she dropped the knife, and a big smile came across her face one thing that didn't change was that beautiful smile she had that I got from her , only thing that got her extremely happy was the sight of money and drugs, because the money bought her the drugs . "Thank u so much pumpkin ! I just need this money to buy clothes and stuff" she badly lied , I handed her the money as she rushed and threw on some pajamas , and headed out the door . Just like that not one word , not a look back she was gone ......