The Queen Of Hearts

Prologue

My ears still ring from the applause when I sit down on the black couch, the leather cool on my skin as I grip it with my sweaty fingers to hide my trembling.
The blood rushes in my ears because of how fast my heart is beating, but I take a deep breath and try my hardest to stay calm. 

The host is already done with his greeting before I can listen to it, and I don't pay attention before I notice him calling my name.
He must have finished his introduction already because I hear the anchorman say:
"Most of us probably never heard of Black Veil Brides until now, but this rock band has thousands of fans within their scene all over the world. But we all know the band isn't the reason why he is here today.
Their lead singer has his own story to tell, and it's one we've never quite heard before.
And because my voice isn't the one speaking today, ladies and gentlemen, let me hand over to Andy Biersack for this exclusive first public statement today about his very first book that shocked the world: Vicious Love - When Rock And Roll Masks Abuse." 

I'm used to speaking to audiences, but this time, it feels like they're all staring at me, judging me, wondering what a weak and pathetic idiot I am. Not even when I went on stage for the first time, not even when I had broken my ribs, my nose and almost my jaw did I ever feel as vulnerable and attackable as I do now. 

Doubts creep through my mind and make me question if this really was a good idea, but I can't run away now. Not anymore.

"Thank you," I hear myself say and put all my strength in my voice, just like I always have.
"I never thought I'd ever sit here." I lick my dry lips before I start my prepared speech because I knew I wouldn't be able to say anything smart spontaneously with all this nervousness in my gut. 

"We live in a society where it's already very difficult for women in abusive relationships to stand up for themselves because they believe their partners when they say they love them and apologize for what they've done or even feel guilty despite being the victim, and even after the end of the domestic violence, talking about it with the possibility of not getting justice in front of the police and a judge makes the step towards the end even harder.

But it's even more difficult as a man because there are more aggravating factors to consider.
When a woman slaps her husband in the face, she can stand her ground and defend herself. She must have a reason after all, and he probably deserved it.
There are movie scenes of pretty white girls who punch their cheating boyfriends bloody noses and their friends cheer, but a man who defends himself physically against a woman is arrested and nobody even wonders if there was a reason."

My voice gets brittle, but I clear my throat and take a moment before I continue with the harder part. 

"Especially domestic abuse towards men is not recognized because people don't think it's a serious issue.
There are many reasons for this mindset, but what I experienced to be the worst factor in my personal life is the hypermasculinity that is being represented in the music industry.
A rock star has to be a 'real man', but nobody can define what that is. We're expected to be as strong and dominant as somehow possible, and weakness isn't tolerated.

When I found myself in an abusive relationship, I got stuck because I believed I was loved by the one I loved, that she would change and because I felt lost without her.
I constantly forgave her, but nothing ever happened, and when I understood that, it had already come so far that I thought it was too late. We shared our entire lives and world and I felt like I could no longer admit what was happening to anyone and I didn't see a way out until..."

All eyes in the room are on me and I feel myself sweating again, my nails digging into the leather and my vision blurry.
When I keep talking, I'm glad nobody dares to interrupt me, but everything becomes distant and fuzzy because I'm so petrified of this.

"Until I almost died."

I'm almost whispering now, but when I feel the strong urge to jump from my spot and storm out of the room, I decide not to do so because I've sworn to myself I'd stay strong. 

Giving up is not an option.

"Vicious Love is my story about what it's like to have your dream of true love and matching tattoos turn into a nightmare of violence, and what it's like to admit that you're not the strong person you've pretended to be all your life.
It's about being honest with yourself and allowing weakness even when the world witnesses it. And most of all...
It's about standing up for yourself. No matter what.
I wish none of this was a part of my story, but now that it is, I'm glad I'm given the chance to talk about it.
And I'm glad that all of this has only made me stronger instead of breaking me down.

My name is Andy Biersack, I'm a musician and a survivor of an abusive relationship, and the book I'll talk about today is my story."