Cheshire | Sequel to Home

Chapter 4: Denial

April 2024

Present

"So, I turn around, look at her and say 'how about minding your own business for a change?'" Lena's voice floats across my car hitting every corner and reaching my ears. I burst out a laugh in response while mentally praising myself for finding a parking spot on Wardour street only a block away from Alex's office.

There is not much I miss from New York to be honest, but if I had to make a top ten list, Lena will - without a doubt- be in the first place. There are days, like today, where I would give anything to have her here with me. I miss our long talks, the shared urge we have to make a better world, the meetups on the farther corner of our favorite coffee shop and the fact that I can tell her what I don't tell anyone.

Every one of my friends plays a different role in my life. Amy is my everyday partner in crime, she knows what size of l panties I use, when my hot Yoga class is and that I rather go grocery shopping on Wednesdays. J is the person I go to when I need words of sympathy, a patting on the back and the reassurance that everything will be alright. Then there's Lena.

Lena is my confidant.

She doesn't know my everyday details, but she holds my deepest secrets. I even found myself blurting out things to her I haven't even confessed to myself. She's the only one that's not pressuring me to talk right now, she knows I will speak when the time is right. Yet, the fact that I can't even tell her what happened is killing me. Words seem to crawl up my throat and pile up unable to jump outside leaving me with nothing but self-imposed silence and the bearing of this untimely truth.

Hopping out of the car, I hang my purse on my left shoulder and take a look around. A middle age man walks down the street lost in his own thoughts, a woman in her 20s pushes a baby stroller while walking towards Leicester Square and a couple leaves the Tapas restaurant across the street discussing something I don't try to understand. Nobody stops to look at me, no one notices me at all and with my eyes on them -and Lena's voice still in my ear- I wish I could scream 'How?' at the top of my lungs.

How can people be acting normal when my whole universe is crumbling? How they can't see, can't sense, can't realize my confusion or my sorrow? How the world keeps on turning? How is it possible that I can't take a timeout, avoid everything, hide under my covers until everything is magically solved, forgotten and survived? How?

I take a shuddering breath trying to shake the helplessness off my body and begin walking down the street toward Alex's office. On my way there, I smile looking straight at the phone camera of a girl who thinks is being sneaky pretending to take a selfie but aiming to get me in the background. She squeals the minute she discovers my reaction and I snort shaking my head.

"Is everything okay?" Lena abruptly asks interrupting her rant.

I chuckle, "Yeah, it was just some girl pulling the 'selfie move', I can't believe they don't realize it's like super obvious," I explain while opening the building door and waving my hand to Vinnie, the doorman, who replies with a kind smile and a nod of his head.I decide to take the stairs to extend our conversation a couple more minutes.

"Ugh, so annoying," she laments, "have you arrived at Alex's?"

"Yup, climbing the stairs as we speak," I manage to say between heavy breaths.

"Tell the bastard I say hi, we'll talk later, yeah?" She says as I finally reach the third floor, "Remember I arrive in London next Wednesday."

Her last words make my chest pinch in anticipation, I know her visit will mean that I will finally have to come clean, "Of course, we are waiting for you," I assure.