Ecstasy of the Universe

Letters to OM

There was a change in the air. Did OM notice it? Definitely he did. Like every evening, he sat on the small bench in his garden. His head was placed on his twisted palms and he silently observed green grass and the dark blue sky. Soft cold air would tickle his ears and spread his hair unevenly to the other side. Soon mosquitoes started poking his legs and he rushed inside.

It was quite warmer inside. Yet, OM was annoyed. He walked a little front and his hands reached a small box which was kept on a stool. He opened it to notice a small chain of Lord Krishna and few books of mantras & aartis. This shouldn't be here! He then turned to the right corner of the room.

There used to be a book-shelf there.OM recollected. He had removed the shelf and books just a month ago from that place. But still book were left there. His eyes turned up and lines and waves were made on his forehead when he had a brief look on a novel placed near a window. For a while he looked upon himself. He was not always like this. And the thought that he had become more untidy left him in self-derision.

Picking up the novel and the small box which already rested in his arms, he marched upwards. He kept on cursing himself for such careless attitude. And now he thought how laziness of some moment would lead him with many undone tasks later.

The room had a very different atmosphere. It used to be prabhuji's room. And then, OM had converted into his reading space. As he entered, the energy of the space filled him with happiness and joy. The lust to read his written poems and write more and more suddenly increased in him. But responsibilities came first. He placed the novel at one rack and turned to one corner where many such boxes were placed.

Inquisitivity struck OM when he gave a cursory glance on to one of the cartons. It was half open as books didn't completely fill it. And there lay a book which made way out of the carton; as if wants someone to read. OM gently walked towards it and looked at it with wide eyes. "For OM" it read. OM knew who did it. A notebook with torn outer cover and a big heading with an abominable handwriting; this was Prabhuji's work. OM laughed to himself remembering how at times he would make fun of Prabhuji's handwriting and he would move away humiliated.

OM grabbed a stool and gazed upon the book for fifteen minutes. It was enough to think about those times with Prabhuji; times of knowledge and times of joy. Blowing off the dust, he slowly rolled his eyes over those open papers. And not soon his eyes turned moist.

***

Dear OM,

I don't think I will be there with you when you are reading this. But here is something important you must know... This is the story of the boy whom Lord Narayana himself chose... And he is OM.... You...

This all started with dreams. As routine told, I carried on with my engagement with temple activities. My day always started with bhakti and ended with bhakti. There was so much to learn. And it was a beautiful experience. But there was something missing. Something which I needed... A child... who could help me develop the mother in me.

After months of prayers, finally Lord Rama gave his darshan. Yes, OM, I know how it feels to get darshan of your beloved lord after months of prayers. Just like you, just like any Vishnu bhakt, I too kept lamenting his name in hysteria. My heart was filled with joy and I felt satisfied. But Lord Rama had another surprise for me. He gave me the most beautiful gift I ever could've got. That is you... I finally got you!

That dream is what changed lives of two people, OM; you and me. You came here seeking for knowledge unknowingly and I could realise the mother nature that resided in me. And that is why I was concerned about you so much. You are not one of the boys, OM. You are Krishna... You are Durga... You are the universe... Whose pure contended eyes always reflect your inner brightness.

I do not know about you past lives. But definitely a good deed has given you this life... Such a blessed one... as you did transform yourself into Radharani. Yes OM, you couldn't hide your homosexuality and also your love for Lord Krishna. OM, let me tell you that you have achieved something which rarely souls achieve. You have realised what the real goal is and you have also mastered it. And now what's left is... a blessed death....

Do you imagine death to be suffering? Do you imagine death as regret? I hope not so... Death is not a sad ending but a new start... a fresh start... to make you forget your past deeds and have a good life ahead. And also, death is ultimate peace. You have a blessed death, OM, as you are soon going to dissolve in Krishna, the light; just like a drop from the clouds dissolves back in from where it emerges; the ocean.

All my life, OM, I have done my best to provide you with everything. I was devoted to you. You were the manifestation of my bhakti towards Lord Rama. And that is why you were so special to me. I wish I was there for a longer period. I wish I could be with you all your life. I wish I would not have these tears falling from my eyes right now.

OM, I might not be with you but don't think I left you... I am always around you... I am always supporting you... I am always loving you...

Prabhu....