The ticking of the clock halted. The throbbing of my heart becomes louder. My heart, is it beating too fast? I tried to calm my nerves.
I looked at her and just like every time, she never fails to steal my heart. I am dumbfounded but bemused at the same time.
I couldn't move. It feels like I am a prey entranced with the anticipation of death. I attempted to talk to her but my throat becomes dry. My voice abandoned me when I needed it the most. I just shrugged it off. She'll probably think I'm a weirdo.
Before she disappears again, I looked at her for one last time. Accidentally, our gaze met, and held it for brief seconds. Then she rolled her eyes. I know I should probably be hurt by this but I can't help my lips from forming a smile. Seeing the curves on her lips taut is enough to make my inner demons go crazy. I wouldn't be surprised if one day when I lost control of my sanity, I would touch her lips with mine.
I don't know what's gotten into me that made me into her this much but one thing I know for sure is that these feelings I have for her are real. It must be what normal people call love. God knows how I have to suppress these desires for a long time. I am scared that if I confess to her she might not talk to me anymore. I am afraid of the repercussions. I don't want to end our relationship in such a pitiful way. I would be very devastated.
I am pleased just by observing her from a distance and ensuring her safety.
I'm sure some of you might think it's strange to fall in love with the same gender. But who cares, you cannot choose someone with whom you'll fall in love. You can't. The gods and goddesses are the witnesses to how hard I tried fighting off these feelings because I know it is not yet socially acceptable. In the end, I failed terribly. You see, I'm the victim here and cupid is the culprit.
What do my friends think? They thought I have gone mad... and my parents? They told me to get a grip on myself. I find them very hilarious. Most people do not know what makes them happy and here I am, I know what it is and just like any other normal person, I have been trying to chase my happiness. Pursue that which makes me want to live. Is it hard for them to comprehend that?
On the contrary, being a mere observer has its own downfalls also but I made a vow to myself that I will look after her for the remaining days of my life. That much I can do for her. As years pass by, I notice how peculiar it is that when my skin started aging, so was hers'. As I didn't marry someone, so was she also. We developed this kind of deep connection wherein whenever I want to see her, I know the right place to find her and she would greet me with a beam on her face as if she was expecting my presence.
Then a realization dawned upon me. What if she knows? What if she is aware of my affection all this time and probably felt the same way too? Maybe we are just too scared to confess our love because of the circumstances set around limiting us.
Seeing her wilt made me restless. Time made me impatient. What else is there to do but summon a false bravado? As I am trying to approach her, I find myself struggling to take a hold of her. Being close to her this much, I noticed for the first time how her face feels so unreal to me. She is like a two-dimensional character drawn out from a book. This brought me confusion. What is happening? Is this a dream? Am I in those dreams again where I could actually hold her in my arms? If so, then I don't want to wake up.
I cast a look at her and before I know it, liquefied white crystals started dripping off of her eyes. She is weeping in front of me. I couldn't do anything. This sight broke my heart into tons of pieces and I just found myself crying in frustration too. Is this our curse that we have to pay for?
This is not really the time to give up. Maybe we can still make this work. I believe in the connection that we have - a bond so strong that I can tell what she is thinking and so as to what she is feeling. I stared at her and held her hands, it does not matter if there is a barrier that is separating us. Nothing can hinder our flourishing love.
As soon as I started to know her more, I was taken aback by how we are alike in many aspects. This made me connect to her even more. If she wasn't my lover, if I didn't know her, I would presume that god made a complete reflection of me.
Soon as my body succumbs to senescence, it became impossible for me to meet with her in the mirror, where I usually find her waiting. This also marks the time when she stops visiting.
I know she will get tired of our setup sooner or later but not this quickly. As I am lying on my bed, head pressed against the pillow, I am still thinking of her; her innocent smile, her gentle eyes, her long eyelashes, her curvy lips...everything. And every day when I eat, when it rains, when I can see the ray of the sun, when I can hear the chirping of the birds, I think of her. I miss her so much that it hurts.
If only I still have the ability to carry myself in front of the mirror then I could see her face for the last time.
I know she would be there waiting for me.
