That Life

35 - Coping

Dropping my eyes to the floor, I shrugged. As long as it was for Nathan, I wouldn't mind going. "I'll see when I'm off next."

A grin slipped on his face, and he nodded. "Of course. Even if it is later, around seven, that is fine, because I don't get off work until six, or seven anyway."

Nodding, I reached up to scratch behind my ear. "Alright... You better get going now, though."

As if only realizing he nodded. "Shit. I practically forgot. Listen, I'll order you something and take it home." I opened my mouth to decline, but Xavier held up his hand. "Not something I am giving you choice about." Walking to my bedroom door, he nodded at me, before leaving me, again, in silence, and this time I wasn't interrupted until a couple hours later when Xavier came back in the room, but this time with a white foam box.

"Xaiver," I sighed, pulling my blanket up the my legs. "I told you I didn't want anything." Sitting up, I closed my book, and stared at him dully.

"Xavier, I told you I didn't want anything." Xavier mimicked, dropping the container on my legs. "Shut up, and eat, because I'm sure you didn't eat anything since we left."

"I'm not hungry."

Xavier nodded, moving my legs over to sit. "So I have noticed." He mumbled. "You have gotten really skinny. I thought you would gain a bunch of weight when you got out of Remand."

I scowled at him. "I'm sorry that things seemed to have gotten worse when I got out of Remand, which you would know nothing about."

Xavier's brows furrowed in confusion. "What are you talking about? Things have gotten worse, and I know nothing about? How do I know nothing about things getting worse? In case you don't know my life isn't going s'well either."

"And why is that? Because you are having a baby?" I scoffed. "What a lame excuse. You have nine months to get ready for a baby, and--"

"Is this what this is about? You're jealous I'm having a baby with someone else?" My throat tightened, and it was like he didn't even know what he was saying, until it came out; that wasn't an excuse, though. "Wait, Timothy." Pushing the blankets covering my legs aside, not sparing a glance at the food that fell to the floor, I rushed around to the door. "Timothy," he sighed. "I didn't mean it like th--"

Spinning around, I pulled my hand back, slapping him in the face. "I can't believe you would even say that to me." I whimpered, watching as Xavier cupped his cheek. "You think I'm jealous you are having a baby?" I asked. "Are you fucking stupid? How many times did your mother drop you as a child? I'm not jealous, Xavier. I'm hurt. I'm hurt because the person I love can't tell me that he was having a baby when he first found out. I'm hurt because you're playing me off like I meant nothing to you! I love you, Xavier!" I screamed, pushing at his chest. "I loved you, and now you... I quit using, and sleeping around because of you!"

Tears leaked down my cheeks, but I couldn't find it in me to stop, or wipe them away.

"Timothy... I'm sorry."

Scoffing, I looked to the side where I hung Nathan's poster, then down to where Xavier's was. "Being sorry won't heal the wounds you gave me."

Xavier tilted his head to the side like a confused puppy, before they widened, and he snatched my hands, flipping my palms up the look at my wrists, before dropping to the floor to look at my thighs, before pulling down my boxers, leaving me completely exposed to him, before spreading my legs apart to look at each of my thighs.

"Timothy!" Xavier hissed, his fingers brushing along my skin. He looked hurt, sad, confused... His whole facial expression fell. "When did you do this?"

Pushing at his shoulders, I stumbled back, pulling my underwear. "Don't touch me."

"Timothy, you... Those can get seriously infected. You can't do that." My bottom lip quivered, and I shook my head. I can do that, but I shouldn't. "Please, Timothy. I love you, and that wasn't a lie."

"Leave, now."

Xavier stood, his head shaking. "I'm not leaving now. How am I supposed to know you're not..." He sputtered lamely for a second. "How am I supposed to know you're not fucking yourself over. How am I supposed to know you're not hurting yourself?"

"Its none of your business." Seizing my arm, he pulled my against him, wrapping his arms around me so tightly I couldn't move. Tears dripped from my eyes, and no matter how hard I struggled to get away from him, he wouldn't bulge. "Let me go, Xavier. We're done. We're through. So let me go."

"We are not."

"We discussed this a month ago, and we both agreed that it would be better for us not to be together... Because..." My sentence trailed off, and I erupted into a fit of sobs, and unattractive dry heaving.

"I don't give a fuck. I'm not leaving you alone at times like this. Harming yourself isn't good, Timothy. I don't know how it feels, but I know that the life long scarring that it makes isn't worth it." But it helps, kind of. "I swear to the fricken stars; if you don't stop this, every time you get another, I'll add two on myself."

I opened my mouth to protest, but Xavier pushed my head into his chest, smoothing down my hair.

"This isn't how you deal with this."

I shook my head, before inhaling deeply.

Well, this is how I'm Coping.