Entwined

Life Goes On

You know that saying, life goes on. That sentence has been spoken to me many times, directly and indirectly. On the streets I grew up, I've had friends and neighbors that died, from gang wars, drive byes, overdoses, the lists goes on. And with which life taken, the world never stood still. The world will continue spinning into days, weeks, months, years, decades, centuries.

I've grieved my friends that I've lost, however that pain is no where near the pain of losing both of my loving parents in one night.

The pain is an excruciating emotional agony. So much so that at times I choke on my breathe from the effort of keeping in my sobs when I want to fall apart. There's times when getting out of bed was almost physically impossible.

The key word being was.

Because as always, the world continued spinning, and the days blurred, into weeks and months, until before you know it, a year.

And in that spam of a year, you learn the reasons why you get up in the mornings, why you eat, why you drink, why you smile, why you laugh, why you put in an effort for that one reason why you do anything.

My reason is a sweet little girl who is more than worth the effort to live.

Ellie is six now and will be in first grade in a month and a half. It took months before she even stopped feeling guilty for being anything but mournful. The first time I got her off her perch, and actually got her to smile and become that little diva I love so much, It was a site to see. It warmed me from my heart to my soul knowing I got through to her.

However, everytime we got back to the house, she became that shell of her former self, more withdrawn. It became worse when she started, kindergarten. I couldn't count how many times I've been called to the school because she wasn't participating in group activities, or playing with the other children.

Not her teacher, the principal, nor school counselor could reach her. Not a peep from her. It took months before the counselor decided to have a group session for one final attempt to get her to spill and it worked.

I let the others talk to her, and I knew Ellie was listening, she was always listening. Her eyes flicked, she bit at the bottom corner of her lips, picked at her jeans.

For twenty minutes they tried to get her to speak, but her eyes always flickered to me, and then I realized something. She didn't want to speak to them, she didn't want them trying to get her to open up, she didn't want to tell them anything. She wanted me, her brother.

So I fell on my knees in front of her, blocking their view of her. Then I wrapped my hands around her tiny and delicate ones.

"Ellie, baby." I whispered to her, as I kissed her knuckles to ease her. "Tell me what's in that pretty little head of yours."

It was a few minutes before she even spoke, gazing up at me with glassy crystal blue eyes that outshines the blue sky, her voice was thick and shaky.

"Teddy." Her sniffle squeezed my heart. "I can't be happy!"

Ellie, after confusing me with her words, crashed into my chest, her face pressed under my chin against my neck, her tiny hands grasping and pulling at my shirt, and her sobs causing tremors throughout her body and deep into my soul.

"If I'm happy, I'll forget mommy and daddy! Teddy, stop making me happy! I don't wanna forget!" I just barely understood her words, her sobs getting in the way between words and in the middle.

I remember a few tears escaping as I held her shaking body against me, and when her body stopped and her sobs became hiccups, I pulled her face from my neck to wipe her cheeks with my thumbs, and as I gazed into those eyes I love so much. I spoke words that even surprised me of the wisdom they held.