Irrevocable

Prologue: I Did It For Me

My name is Saskia Louise Lakeford, and I'm 19 years old.
This isn't a fairytale, nor is it a story of any sort. This is my life.
I'm going to get straight to the point here, and tell you, whoever you may be, what happened to get me to where I am today.

I was the ugly kid. The fat kid. The unlucky one. Whatever you want to call it, I've heard it before. I came into university weighing 16 stone 8 pounds. I had braces, muddy brown hair, and I was bullied. Every single day of my life.

If it wasn't in person, it was online. And if it wasn't online, it was through the mail. People kept finding new and thrilling ways to abuse me. And I let them.

I let them because I felt helpless. I looked in the mirror and what I saw... well, it disgusted me. I couldn't love myself, because nobody had shown me that loving someone like me could be done. I had no friends, my mum was back home and I didn't want her to worry about me. So I shut myself off from the world.

I didn't self-harm, and I didn't turn anorexic. In fact, I ate more food. It comforted me. It was the only thing that felt good. That was until, I developed a crush on campus' badass, Tate Wesley. He didn't pick on me, no, he didn't even know I existed. He'd never even seen me, believe it or not. I was hard to miss. He just went about his ways.

I wanted someone like Tate to notice me. I wanted to feel happy in my own skin. I wanted to be confident. I wanted my inner beauty to reflect on the outside. I was so goddamn sick of giving people ways to hurt me.

I was fat. I had braces. I had bad hair, and chubby fingers. I had acne, and I had stretch marks. I thought everyday, how come none of those are ugly features, how come people look gorgeous with them, but I can't? Why can I look at someone who has everything I do and think 'Damn, you go girl. You're stunning the way you are' , but when I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I just insulted myself endlessly?

I read a quote once, which stated:
'Hate hurts us. Because when we read it, we read it in out own voice.'

One day, I woke up. And I made a decision that day.

I was going to change the goddamn voice.

I started working out, everyday, slowly building up the intensity, slowly getting better. I ate right, I ate fruit and I bought meals plans. I learnt how to cook good food, and I focused and studied harder than I ever had. I started to socialise with some really sweet people, and I ignored those who weren't so sweet.

I was 18 then, 16 stone 8 pounds.

I'm 19 now, 8 stone.

I lost the braces. I lost the acne. I lost the weight. I lost the bad hair.

And I lost every single fuck I gave about what people thought about me.

Uni starts again tomorrow. Last time people saw me I still had the braces and the terrible hair, I still had the chub, although not as much of it, and I still had the hate.

But now, I get guys asking me out on dates when I walk down the street. But I don't care. No, because I didn't do this, I didn't recreate myself, for everyone else.

I did it for me.