Eyes Glowing Red

Part One: Eyes on the Back of Your Head

The morning light shone through the curtains, illuminating Lilith's face. Her eyes fluttered open, and the young girl squinted into the morning sun, scowling. Saturday had come at last, giving her a break from the daily routine of sixth grade. She rolled over, snuggling into the soft pillow, fully intending to go right back to sleep. She soon grew uncomfortable, and turned over again, only to clench her eyes tightly against the glare.
This, she knew, would not work. Groaning, Lilith pulled herself up, stretching her arms above her head then plopping right back onto the mattress. Sighing, she stared up at the ceiling in disdain, as if it had awakened her out of spite. The white ceiling contrasted with the light blue walls that reached down to the wooden floor boards. Her twin sized bed lay in the corner near one of the windows, while the other stood a few feet adjacent to the end of her bed. In this small corner between her and the wall sat a basket, hastily filled with loose clothing.
A bird chirped outside, and she glanced back to the window. Curtains hung on either side, held back by matching navy ties. To the left of the window furthest from her was a tall white dresser with shiny gray nobbs. Some of her personal belongings scattered the top, including a few origami animals from her friend Mary and an assortment of random keepsakes. Near the corner on the left side of the dresser was her desk, scattered with paper, pencils, and books. Her homework for the weekend lay untouched, as she planned to keep it for the time being. A foot or so the left of that was the door, closed and locked. She didn't dare sleep in a room without the door secured.
She sat up again, this time getting out of bed. After stepping over a few shirts and loose objects, she unlocked the door and left the room. Outside was a hallway leading to the bathroom and the stairs. Along the wall were two closets, and after walking past the bathroom door at the very end she turned right and trotted down the stairs. This was a grudging pace as she knew she had slept through breakfast.
Her mother sat at the kitchen table, coffee in her hand as she read a book. From the angle Lilith couldn't make out what she was reading, but assumed it was a memoir of some famous composer. As was her mother. She looked up at her daughter, smiled, then went back to her book. The smile looked genuine enough, but Lilith knew it was rather forced. It may have been because of a night terror her child had been subject to in the night, or simply a lack of caffeine. It was anyone's guess. She turned into the kitchen and noticed the remnants of breakfast had already been swept away. Cereal would do.
She lazily opened the fridge and pulled the milk from the self, then sat it on the counter. After rummaging through the pantry for the cereal, she pulled out a bowl and a spoon. The kitchen was a tidy and concise, the shelves plain wood and the tiles worn and gray. Nothing about it was overtly ornate, except for the exotic stashed of coffee her parents had collected from their travels.
Lilith sat down at the small island on one of the three bar stools. By the looks of it, her father had just wiped it down and she didn't intend to mess that up. As she was eating, an unease tugged at her gut and she gagged. Suddenly not hungry, she dropped her spoon and quickly left the room, climbed the stairs and fled into her room. Her mother didn't look up as she passed the archway into the dining room where she sat. This, in her daughter's mind, was good fortune. Her parents knew about these "Panic Attacks," as they called them, but she never felt comfortable when they treated her like her emotions weren't valid. Her fear was much worse than they would ever believe.
The terror hit her as she shut the door and locked it. She backed herself into the bed and sat down, staring at the door. Adrenaline rushed through her and the panic overwhelmed her lungs. She put her head in her hands, unable to think straight anymore. Breath catching, she felt her heart beat rise and found it hard to breath. Her gut twisted so tightly her stomach began to hurt. Though her eyes were wide with fear, she stayed focused on the door. She felt like she was being watched, and though she knew no one could possibly be in the room with her couldn't get the feeling out of her head.
The one time she could remember a feeling like the next she felt, other than the countless attacks like these that she had faced, was when she saw a fist fight break out in the street. Lilith didn't know why they were fighting, but the pure hatred and vicious intent that came from one of the men was similar to what she felt.
    Now, however, unlike in the street, that malicious intent was directed at her. There was no glare on the back of her head that she could sometimes feel when someone stared at her. Rather, it came from all around. Her vision began to blur, beginning at the corners and slowly spreading across her eyes even as she fought to see straight. She could hear a buzzing noise like chaotic flies, rising in volume slowly but surely. Losing control of her senses happened often, but it never ceased to horrify her. The adrenaline kept her focused on the fear, but without a source to direct the attention to, she was left with the sheer dread of impending doom.
    Lilith wanted to scream. She wanted to cry. The fear was ripping her apart. However, all she could do was stare at the blurring door and listen to the intense buzzing. In these moments she almost lost her mind in the awful feelings, she felt like it would never end, and she'd be stuck in the terror until whatever caused the fear got to her.
    And then is stopped. The buzzing subsided, her vision came back into focus, she started trembling. Only now did she notice the tears sliding down her cheeks. Pulling her knees into her chest, she sobbed. It always left her so shaken she couldn't function.
    She could hear her parents talking downstairs and she silently begged them to leave her alone for the rest of the day. In these moments she didn't want them to be with her. Not even deep down. Lilith needed to be alone. She didn't want to think or move, all she needed was calm silence to recover. Her parents, however, would continue to nag her about her feelings and tell her she was just imagining the fear.
    Somewhere in her head she thought they were right. She believed she was a victim of a panic disorder. But deep in her mind, in the vault she sealed away to never be opened, something was stirring. Deep down was also her awareness of the being. Opening it would help her realize she wasn't insane, but may also lead her to the edge of sanity with the darkness that dwelled inside. Somehow she would have to overcome these things, but if she knew how far above her they really were, she might have lost hope long ago.

    An hour passed before she dared move. She waited for herself to get up, but ended up sitting and staring at the door hopelessly for a while. An out of body experience was common after the overwhelming emotions rushed through her. An odd feeling that made her feel distant from even herself. She flexed her hands, looking at them as if it were the first time she had realized she had power over them.
    Slowly she went on with her day, poking at her homework at some point, ignoring her parents most of the day, reading, anything to keep her mind trained on one thing. And life went on. Day after day crawled by. Though she didn't realize, the attacks had been becoming more frequent since they first began. Slowly they were becoming more intense with each occurrence.

Fourteen months passed and her parents caved. No longer able to cope with Lilith's problems they invested in anxiety medication. Her hand shook slightly in bitter anticipation. Her mother looked at her sympathetically, dropping the drug into her palm. Lilith looked at the round pill, resenting her mother, father, doctor, and own self for the white capsule.
"Lilith, listen, I know you don't like it but it's going to help you," her mother cooed, placing her hand on her daughter's shoulder. "You need to take it."
The girl wanted to cry, maybe push her mom out of the way and run out of the house, maybe make her mother eat it, see how she liked it. It was no use. Her mouth went dry, stomach churning at the thought, she tossed the pill into her mouth. She took the glass of water offered to her and took a gulp. Shivering, she took one last fleeting glance at her mother trudged out of the kitchen and up to her room.
She sat on her bed, reading a book. She hardly understood the words flowing through her mind. They swam past her, untouched by her focus which was attentive to the pill she had just taken. Half an hour later her gut started twisting. Her head spun and nausea churned through her. The side effects of this drug weren't worth it, but her parents wouldn't listen. Her head spun and throbbed, and every day her natural senses and emotions would be tampered with. She would lose her sense of fear and feel a foggy, dull disorientation. That and the churning nausea.
The queasiness lasted hours on end and she focused on her resentment. Getting up, she hobbled to the door. Her breath was slow and tired, and as she reached the door she leaned against it for support. Throbbing rung through her ears and her eyebrows knit in discomfort. Slowly sliding the door open, Lilith slouched into the hallway. She shook her head, shoulder length brown hair swinging as she tried to quell the nausea. Realizing how little of an appetite she actually had, she lay down on the cool wooden floor.
The girl stayed there, faced pressed against the floorboards aimlessly. She put her hands under her cheek, staring at the wall as she relished in the peace. The cool ground somewhat comforted her stomach, and for some reason the floor was oddly comfortable. Her eyes glossed over and the muffled conversation from her parents became foggy. At some point her dad came up to ask her if she needed food, ask her if she was alright.
"No, I'm not hungry," She didn't realize she had opened her mouth. "I'm okay, comfortable actually," The voice was her's, but the dull she felt caused her to have these out of body experiences, and often it was like she didn't have control of her body.
At another point her mom had gotten her off the floor and ushered her to bed.
"Goodnight." It could have well been someone else speaking, she was just a spectator.
At some point she had gone to the bathroom. As she washed her hands the dullness in her eyes had surprised even her. She had tried to wash it away with water, but even the cold liquid couldn't bring life to her face.
And at some point she had fallen asleep, gone into a state of peace in which she would forget how scared she was. Forget the feeling of being so misunderstood. Forget the nausea. But for Lilith, peace never lasted long.