Birth, Marriage and Death

You Must Hate Me

Ricky

I couldn't believe I'd heard Poppy correctly. She needed to be on her own? That... that couldn't be right, could it?

I'd been so relieved to hear her finally admit she wasn't well, but I didn't know how to deal with this, this news, admission, whatever you could call it, that she needed to be on her own.

I swallowed hard, feeling my stomach twist with anxiety and my heart begin to ache. I had to stay calm, I couldn't get upset right now, I had to try and work this through with Poppy calmly. I could see she was on the verge of breaking down; it would do no good if I joined her.

God, it was going to be tough though.

I moved closer and reached out and took her hand again, holding it between both mine. "You don't have to leave my love. We can deal with this together, let me help you. Please let me help you."

Her fingers curled tightly around mine as she started to cry.

"I don't think you can. I don't think I can do it with you watching me... waiting for me to get better." She lifted her other hand to her face, wiping the tears that flowed freely. "I... it feels like too much pressure. I feel like I'll be a disappointment to you. I've already been a disappointment. You must hate me..."

"I could never hate you Poppy." That much I knew for certain. Whatever she did, whatever happened, I could never hate her. "I love you Poppy, let me help you."

She was crying so hard now that her body was shaking and she seemed incapable of speech. Hesitantly I reached out and put my arms around her, pulling her gently to rest against my chest. I was aware of my heart pounding and I wondered if she could feel it as I held her. I half expected her to pull away, but she didn't. Instead she seemed to move closer, almost as if she was trying to burrow herself inside me. As I moved back into a slightly more comfortable position Poppy clung to me, her hand gripping the fabric of my shirt.

She couldn't mean what she'd said, could she? Not when she was holding on as tightly as she was right now?

"I'll cancel tomorrow," I told her. "I'll stay with you; we'll find someone you can talk to about this. Please Poppy."

"You can't cancel," her voice was muffled by the fact that she was speaking against my chest. I could feel her breath on the skin at the base of my throat; it was warm but it made me shiver. "That's not what you do. You never cancel and I can't ask you to do that now."

"You're not asking me, I'm offering. I'm sure the guys would understand and if they don't then right now I don't really care. It's you I care about." I turned my head and pressed my lips against her forehead.

"No, please don't cancel. I don't want you to." She sounded panicked, as if my cancelling our slot at the festival would make her more unwell.

I didn't want to leave her alone though. I was terrified that she'd be gone by the time I got home if I did leave. If I stayed then maybe somehow I could convince her to stay too.

"Poppy, if I go..." I hardly dare ask, "If I go, will you still be here when I get back?"

She sucked in a sharp breath and it seemed a long time before she answered. "I don't know Rick... probably not."

"And if I cancel and stay at home with you? Will you still go? Please don't leave Poppy, it's not the answer."

"I have to, I'm sorry."

Those five words felt like a dagger through my heart and finally I let the tears I'd been holding back flow freely. Tilting my head against hers I cried hot salty tears, the happiness and lightness of earlier in the day completely forgotten. My heart was heavy and my mind ran with questions I didn't dare voice, the main one being if she left, would she ever come back?