Abstinence

Chapter 45.

Although I feel sad for him, seeing him this emotional for the first time in my life and being on top of him giving him all of me while he's in his vulnerable state, somehow I'm aroused by this. My head falls back and a silent breathy moan escapes my agape mouth as I give into this guilty pleasure I'm enduring. He grunts holding onto me tighter, as he himself finds his release coming inside of me. I don't move at first, I stay there, holding onto him the way he holds onto me.

His head is still down as I rise off of his member and move back to my side of the bed. I'm not sure what time it is but the sun is starting to rise and I know our alarms are going to off soon. I want to ask him about his dream but I sort of feel that it's too personal of a question. I feel like I'm interfering in something that isn't my business.

When Hayden lies down I do the same, curling up beside him. My hand is on his face, my thumb gently caressing his cheeks. "I don't like what she's done to me," Hayden speaks, his eyes staring at the bedroom ceiling. "I've never felt so out of myself before."

"As long as you believe you're at fault, those feelings won't go away."

"I didn't love her and I didn't want her. This is my fault."

"You did love her Hayden, you just didn't love her the way she wanted you to. It's unfair to you and of her to blame you for not wanting to be with her." I cannot believe I'm having this conversation with Hayden about another woman. I have to turn off my jealous feelings and be that confident he needs me to be. "You cannot force someone to be with you if they want you they will have you."

"I feel guilty for being with you Alice." He opens up to me. "Every time I look at you or talk with you or kiss you or tell you I love you, I see Lina and I can't help but feel wrong for being with you."

"I felt the same the other day," I reply being honest with him.

"You don't still feel that way?"

"No."

"How did you get the feelings to stop?"

"I cannot allow Lina, whether dead or alive, to take my happiness away from me. We did nothing but love each other and that isn't a crime. I agreed to be your wife hours before she took her life and I won't let her pain take away from my jubilation."

He doesn't say anything else and I have nothing more to say either. We just lay there in silence holding onto the other until our phone alarms go off. When I get up he doesn't move and when I get dressed for work he's still in the same spot that I left him. "Are you going to the office today?"

"No."

Kneeling down beside him I pepper his face with multiple kisses before sealing my lips against his. My fingers comb through his hair, "I love you so much, I'll see you later."

He gives me a forced smile in return and I make my way out down the steps. Mrs. Sutter is standing in the kitchen talking with Luke and Erika as they eat. "Good morning Alice, how is Mr. Stymest?"

"Not good, please keep your eyes on him today Mrs. Sutter."

"I will, is he going to work?"

"No, try to give him some food. If he passes up breakfast then we know something is really wrong. Text me okay?"

"Yes ma'am," She hands me a bag, "I made you lunch."