It came in phases.
The lightheadedness, the tunnel vision, the heavy breathing, the tears, and then finally feeling as if everything is about to cave in on you. All of it came in that order. It was a true terror that none of us were ready for or even remotely expecting--more so to me than anyone else.
No one thought this would ever happen to Jace Herondale.
The first time it happened was four months ago--six weeks after Edom. Jace and I had been getting food at Takis with Iz and Alec when some idiot passing by slammed his fist against the restaurant's window. I had been surprised to see Jace jump slightly but thought nothing of Jace excusing himself to the bathroom a few minutes later.
He had been gone for around fifteen minutes when I started to get worried. Isabelle and Alec had started to notice how long Jace had been gone as well. It was at that point that I excused myself to go check on him.
I could hear his breathing through the heavy door. I immediately tried to get in, but the door was locked. I still remember the moment vividly.
"Jace? Jace let me in," I say through the door as I try to open the door again, trying to remember why I didn't bring a stele. When no effort to open the door is made and his breathing gets heavier, I call out again. "Jace."
"I can't--I cant do this," I hear him choke out weakly.
"Do what Jace?" I ask softly through the door, my heart breaking at the expression in his voice. "What can't you do?"
"I-I can't keep pre-pretending that I'm fine all the time. I'm not! I'm not I'm not I'm not," he repeats that phrase over and over and I can feel the tears entering my eyes.
"No one said you had to," I try assuring him from outside the bathroom while all I wanna do is go in there and hold him.
"But I do!" he chokes out. "I have to hold it--hold it in and I have to be str-strong and I can't let m-my emotions get the best of-of-of me."
"Jace please let me in," I plead.
"N-No!" he says quickly as his breathing picks up even quicker. "You can't--I can't--I don't want--"
"Okay," I reassure quickly, genuinely concerned that he may pass out. "I'll stay out here; but you have to let me help you. Why don't--why don't you come sit by the door," I suggest as I slide down so I'm sitting against the door. I wait until I hear the shuffle of movement and the thud from the other side of the door before I start to speak to him again.
It took me almost thirty minutes to calm him down, another ten to get him out of the bathroom. The entire time he was talking about how he didn't want me to see him like that and how he "couldn't do this anymore".
It broke my heart over and over again.
Since then he's had three huge panic attacks--each one prompted by him holding it in for too long. Each time there's been someone there to help him trough it. It still breaks my heart whenever he has one because I feel so helpless most of the time. I never seem to know exactly what to say in order to help him get over it completely. It's like he's a completely different person that I don't know anything about if I'm being honest.
Even worse is the time between them. We all know he holds it in, so we never know how long we have between them. It could be days or weeks before it gets to be too much. That's why we always have to be alert and keeping an eye on Jace to look for his tells. He basically starts fidgeting with his fingers and his eyes start darting around the room.
Today though, I'm hoping to push anxiety aside and have a nice day with my boyfriend.
Unfortunately, the universe doesn't seem to want that to happen.
I was just outside his room when I heard the sounds of him hyperventilating. Immediately, I grab my stele from my back pocket and unlock the door. From there I scan the room and notice Jace on the ground on the other side of his bed. He's on his knees, curled forward with his head in his hands.
I immediately rush over and kneel down in front of him, cupping his cheeks. "Jace," I start softly as I wipe away his tears. "Jace I'm here."
"I can't," he mumbles through his tears. "I can't protect you or anyone."
"What in the Angel are you talking about?" I ask, not sure what the fuck he means.
Another jagged breath comes out before he shakes his head. "I-I couldn't stop Sebastian from-from hurting--killing so many people. I couldn't-I couldn't stop him from killing Max. I couldn't eve-even stop him from h-hurting you or tr-trying to--trying to--" He cuts off as he breaks down in sobs.
Tears glisten in my eyes as I force him to face me with my hands. "Look at me," I command. Jace shakes his head and I repeat, firmer, "Jace look at me." Jace's golden eyes open, fresh tears streaming down his cheeks and his breathing makes me nervous. "I'm right here--I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere. You saved hundreds of lives. You killed Sebastian. Some bitch just brought him back. You didn't have the chance to save Max but you had a chance to save me and you did. You saved my life and you continue to save me every day. So focus on me." As I speak it becomes more evident in my tone that I'm tearing up myself. I take Jace's hands from his sides and move them to my waist. "Focus on me, right here right now. I'm here and I'm fine and I owe that all to you. So don't you dare think that you're incapable of saving me because I wouldn't be here without you. Just focus on me. Focus on me. Focus on me."
I repeat that over and over until his breathing evens out and there's only light tears flowing from his eyes. His arms move around me and tighten as he holds me close and buries his face in my neck. I close my eyes as I stroke his hair, continuing to whisper in his ear as he slowly starts to drift off.
This wasn't his first panic attack; and it certainly won't be his last. At least now, I know that all he needs to get through it is feeling the presence of someone else. And from now on, I intend to be there for better and for the worst.
