Oblivious

Chapter 14

He disappeared up the stairs just as I opened the door. "Hey, Ay, wait up."

Jogging in my slippers, I worried that he hadn't stopped. I couldn't see him until he took a step down right in front of me. He opened his arms, and I crashed into him without thought, relaxing in his embrace.

"I thought you would be asleep," he said, brushing his lips against my skin. I couldn't hug him back because my arms were locked inside the blanket, so I opted on placing a small kiss just beneath his ear in a silent response. His hold tightened and suddenly I was pressed up against the wall.

My heart raced inside my chest, beating with the steady rhythm of a drum as he spread my legs with his knee. We hadn't touched since he squeezed my leg at lunch, but as he tangled his fingers in my hair and pulled me in for a kiss, I knew it was exactly what I needed. His touch, his skin, his everything just for me.

I kissed him back, tasting a faint trace of mint on his tongue. He had brushed his teeth. That little thought made me hesitate. Someone else had kissed those lips before me tonight. I pulled back, and as if on cue, he let me go and stopped moving altogether. The whirlwind of touch and emotion halted mid-step, dangling with one foot above the abyss.

"I'm sorry," he said.

Ayden let his arms fall to his sides but remained close, chest to chest with me. Seconds passed, excruciatingly slow. I couldn't look him in the eye. I didn't know what to think, or what to feel. Was it enough with 'I'm sorry'? I wasn't sure.

I waited a few more seconds, hoping that I would come up with something to say, or for him to say something brilliant to soothe my wounded heart.

Nothing happened. We simply stood there in silence, waiting for the other one to lead the way.

"Let's talk when we're inside. Okay?" I whispered, faint, like myself.

Ayden took a step back, then another. Too far. Every step stood for something that I didn't want. No matter how jealous or angry I was, I still wanted him closer, not farther away.

We continued up the stairs in silence, walking slowly step by step, climbing our own insurmountable mountain. We had a minefield to cross, barbed wires lining the sides, everything and nothing. I had no idea how we would possibly find a way.

Finally inside the apartment, something happened. Ayden just stood there, leaning against the door, tense and with a strained frown across his forehead. He didn't have to tell me he was hurting for me to notice. I knew him too well. I forgot about my pain. It was lost in his.

I pulled him through the living room and into his bedroom. I turned on the bedside lamp and sat down on his bed, patting the cover with my hand.

"What happened?" I asked as he sat down a few inches too far from me. I closed the distance between us and braced myself for the answer I knew was coming or at least hoped was coming.

"I need the money, Cal." He had told me before, but I didn't understand, not for real.

I dropped my head on his shoulder and put one arm around his back. "Did something happen? Why do you need the money? You have the scholarship, you have the apartment. You're not on drugs, I hope..."

"I think you would have noticed that," he said, sounding like he had a fleeting smile on his lips.

"I hope I would."

I was about to say something else, but he beat me to it.

"When Dad left, he took everything..."

The statement hung in the air, like a dark cloud that grew taller and wider with every second. I hadn't expected that, and I still didn't understand. I thought the divorce was amicable, and that Stacy had enough money to keep her afloat.

"Do you remember last year of High School?" he continued.

"Yeah, why?"

"Do you remember that week I stayed at your house when your mom was away?"

"Yes I do."

"That weekend before..." he paused, taking a deep breath as if to prepare himself for what he would say next. It took longer than I thought it would, and for a second, I wondered if he would continue at all.

"That weekend, I told my parents I was in love with my best friend."

My heart seemed to stop in my chest, traveling up my throat so that I couldn't breathe. I didn't know what to say.

"They tried to make everything appear as if nothing had happened, but in reality.... Everything changed that day. Dad tried to kick me out of the house. It didn't work the way he thought it would. Mom took my side. Dad made her pay up for the house while he took the rest. She didn't get a penny from that greedy asshole. She lost everything apart from the house and a pile of mortgage because of me." He stared at the floor, his hand clenching around my fingers over and over again. He looked panicked and deceivingly calm at the same time.

"What are you talking ab-... How could I not know this, Ay?"

"Because I didn't want you to know what I had caused. I didn't want you to know that I ruined her life because I... because I was gay."

"That's so unfair. You can't..." I couldn't even say it. I didn't know what to say. Ayden's dad had always been like the coolest dad. The guy that came to all the games and supported his son in everything he did. They had been close.

"So yeah, I'm supporting my mother since she can't hold a job. You saw her. She's a mess, and Chris is making her miserable. He's acting out and she's the one who has to deal with it." I could hear the desperation and sadness, something running so deep that I was afraid to touch it. Yet, I knew I would have to at some point. If not now, then later. I couldn't leave him like this, thinking that he caused all of this because he was gay. It somehow made sense that he never told me.

"And I'm saving up so that Chris can go to college, because the way he's acting, he won't get any scholarships."

"I don't know what to say."

"Just know that I have my reasons." He sighed, letting his shoulders fall for a moment. "I just...I couldn't not tell you. I didn't want to tell you. Shit..." He began to shake, his legs jumping up and down in spasms. I began to stroke his back, but it made no difference. I looked up into his eyes and grew cold as I saw how empty they were.

Even if I knew it was the wrong question to ask, it was burning within me until I couldn't hold back. "So, how long has this been going on? I mean-"

"For the last year," he answered as if he had been expecting the question.

"Oh my God."

I could feel how Ayden flinched beside me.

"No, I didn't mean it like that." I was mortified. That was so stupid of me. "Sorry... I'm so sorry; it's just a lot to take in."

"Cal, I love you. And I know you might not love me back like that. And...I don't know what to say either. I'm so fucking sorry." My world stopped. It stopped so fast that I didn't know what to do. I wanted to reply, but I was at a loss for words.

He started to shake again.

Desperate to do something, I hugged him as tightly as I could. It was an awkward hug as we were sitting down next to each other. It felt like I couldn't get close enough, so I let go and pushed him to lie down. I pulled the cover over the both of us, clothes and all, and just clung to his body.

"We'll find a way," I whispered, placing small kisses on his cheek and jaw, on his eyebrows, his eyes and one on his nose. "It'll be okay." With every kiss, I could feel how his muscles loosened, how he let go of the tension.

How could I ever have doubted what we had? What I faced with scowls and slurs was nothing in comparison to what Ayden had lived through. Already estranged from my family I had no one but him, and I sure as hell wouldn't let him go.