The life of me.

Do I just suck as a person?

It's been months since I've written, anything for that matter. Let me tell you how I've been. So everything is basically the same, I still am an athlete, have like 2 friends, my mother and I still don't get along, and I want to kill myself. Yeah, you heard that right, I want to die. So I guess I should go back to the beginning of my story shouldn't I? Maybe just a quick recap.... aaannnndd go.

So when I was 8 years old I was raped and beaten by my mothers "friend" she never knew what happened. From there on I was severely bullied for everything, that I'm a tomboy, overweight, my face, my actions, everything. When high school hit I was still bullied, but also by a guy I liked, so he would hit me up and make jokes about me to his friends. When I got out of high school I was already a set athlete with two different places. Then my weight again started to be talked about, I started to "date" see when I say date I mean we talked said we like each other, but we weren't able to tell people, so we would just go out as friends then fuck on the low. Ever since I was young I just only had sex with men. I wanna say since I was 15 or 14 I don't know honestly and I can't even try to tell you how many partners I've had because damn. That's another story though. After all of that fiasco I finally got into a real relationship when I was 19, we are still dating right now and it's an abusive relationship I can admit that. We are very verbally abusive to each other we both have put our hands on one another, but right now we are very verbally and emotionally abusers sucks to say but that's my love life I shouldn't have expect more or less. So I guess now you know a quick version, I'm just assuming I should get back to the present. People think I'm in a happy place because I'm losing weight, I'm in school, I do my athletic thing, I'm doing good for myself, but in reality I'm battling myself. I haven't been to a therapist, but I believe I am depressed, suicidal, and I have body dysmorphia. Maybe I should elaborate, I might be suicidal, but that does not mean I'm trying to kill myself every moment of every day. The suicidal thoughts linger like a bad cold or a clingy ex. That is exactly what it is a clingy ex, now to explain body dysmorphia, it is a mental illness involving obsessive focus on a perceived flaw in appearance, I sounded good saying that huh? It's because I took the actually meaning from the internet. Yay knowledge. My body dysmorphia is with my body well everything actually. I can't stand the way I look I see myself as a huge person like literally huge, my face looks fat, my thighs. But not my calfs my calfs look rather tiny so I have a weird image of myself right? Just think of a cereal box with chopsticks and that is exactly how I think of myself. Cute, I know. Now think of that with my suicidal thoughts and my depression, it literally equals disaster. So you as a reader let me ask you something, would you want that? If you answered no you're already on the right path, if you answered yes you're a sick fuck. Anyway I should get back to the story shouldn't I? I keep getting off track to explain and go back in time. I am dating as I said, a guy he's about 9 years older than me. 9 years is a lot, I'm putting that out there now it is a lot! Right now I'm happy I guess I don't know how to explain how I feel because we go through a lot of ups and downs that also has to do with my insecurities within myself and my partner. I know he won't cheat or anything like that, but that little fucking voice in my head is like bitch think again. I'm battling that every time he's on his phone, talking to females, anything that's not with me, I go crazy I will watch other people's snapchat or their live videos to watch him in the background who's he talking to etc, I will even text him to see if he responds while I'm watching the videos. Then if he doesn't respond I will actually get so angry I don't even know why I get this angry but I do and I start become evil as I like to say because the words that come out of my mouth are just evil. He will say they back sometimes and sometimes he won't but that's our relationship. I know it doesn't sound good at all, but I love him and our dysfunctional relationship, I can see us getting married and having kids honestly, I just need to be financially stable with him right now we are no where near it. We can't stop spending money, it's bad. I think that's why I'm so angry too, I need someone to help me out and be finically stable already, but he's grinding and working hard even if it doesn't seem it... at all sometimes. I still live with my mother, it's expected at my age I wish I had my own apartment, but I don't want to pay bills. I know I would be the one to do it too, especially that I'm the breadwinner in my relationship. My mother is a different story because I think she's developing bipolar disorder and DID (dissociative identity disorder or as people know it multiple personality disorder) I say she has developed this because she has all the signs to it she will also snap in a split second. She is developing it people! Hasn't been diagnosed...yet. With that being said you can tell that my household isn't the best. She is a screamer too and not in the good way, she will fucking scream at me for saying "these are dirty why are they here?" Yup. That is actually how we started fighting the other day, I had dirty blankets that I put in the laundry; I didn't do them because I had to leave; and when I came home they were on my bed and so I asked and she went off on my "I WASHED THEM WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU." Like bro calm down it was never that serious. Then she's like oh sorry I couldn't hear myself you know I can't hear well. Maybe I should paint a picture of her. Maybe that will make things clearer. So she's 60 years old, around 5'1, blonde hair, her face is a little saggy so she has a little bit of jowls, thin, and shaped like an upside down triangle. So now that you have a vision of my mother the triangle think of me the cereal box that's 5'6 and clearly bigger than her in every aspect arguing every fucking day. She's just an impossible person to be around, she is the one that made me a toxic person and probably gave me bipolar disorder because her crazy ass has it. Okay so now that we hit the basics of my living I should talk about how I want to kill myself. Yeah? Alright so my suicidal thoughts and my depression have been eating me alive recently. With my teams I feel like I'm the worst one there so I try so hard to surpass or get on the level of everyone there, but it never works I'm always the odd man out. I have that loneliness from there, I have the hurt from my relationship, and the hate from my mother. With all of those I can't breath sometimes, it always feels like I'm suffocating, until I hurt myself. I was doing good actually I haven't hurt myself in almost a year. That's pretty fucking good I was just swallowing that feeling down along with food. When I first relapsed I started breathing again, it felt like nothing bad was there. I was able to relax stop panicking about everything and just relax. I thought that would never happen again, it wasn't as good as it felt because I had to hide them in my relationship and we are a couple that has sex. So being naked was out of the question, I couldn't show him my thighs, how was I suppose to show him my fuck ups? My dark passion taking over. He soon to accepted it and even use to touch them apparently I don't remember that it probably was while I was sleeping. Now I'm back to my old pattern, I hurt myself often when I get overwhelmed or when I get scared quickly. I don't know it's just my fall back or I just an addicted, once before I was very addicted I didn't even need a reason to hurt myself. He will see soon again my dark passion. So I'm going to bring you back a couple days from writing this... annnnnnnd scene
"Babe he wants to sign us when she goes on tour!" He exclaimed so happy and I was proud, but another feels slowly creeps over, before he can see my expression I say "Wow that's so great I'm so proud of you." And we kissed. He ends up walking away while I'm sitting at this empty round table. I watch from a distance him smiling and having fun, drinking whatever. I can't help, but think why wasn't I asked to help out with it? I did ask the artist that I wanted to do it too? They accepted too.. Am I not as good as the others? Do I just suck as a fucking person? Yeah that's probably it, because the people that were there kinda sucked... Now I have to sit back and watch the love of my life reach our dream alone. I feel like I'm never going to make it to where I want. Maybe it's the weight? But I just had surgery for that.. My thoughts just kept conflicting against the other. "Are you okay?" I look up from my phone and see the artist with papers in her hand signing away. "Yeah I'm good just sleepy." I reply with. She ends up sitting next to me and everyone started coming to the table for her to sign stuff. I just laugh like everything is fine and go back to my phone scrolling through Facebook and Tumblr. I end up writing a post on it about tonight. It just sucks a lot when everyone around me is getting everything they want and I'm just stuck. I can't even be the best athlete I can be. My time feels like it's never going to come. My boyfriend starts to walk over to me, "Do you want to leave? Whoa I didn't even notice you changed your shoes." He started laughing so I chuckled along. "Yeah, I texted mom to come and get us." He went back got a piece of cake and then we left. I can't stop thinking about how much I fucking stuck and how I can't do anything right.

Back to present day.

That thought is still lingering in my mind. He told me to just ask the artist again that I have to constantly speak up, but even he knows I'm not like that if I ask once and they just ignore me completely after that what's the point in trying again? I wasn't the one they wanted yet again. I just need to focus on school and practices if not I'll just keep stressing about EVERYTHING. I really don't need that either it will just make me want to hurt myself even more. Have you tried to pray? Well I have I even asked someone I consider my mom to pray for me because I've been going through a lot recently and it hasn't worked honestly. Now I'm not going to say that I believe in just God and only one God because I just don't do that's what I'm going to say. Just when you are hysterically crying in the bathroom floor with the razor in your hand and blood running down your thigh you pray to whomever and wish this wasn't happening that you didn't feel this way. I always end up on my knees in the bathroom after I've hurt myself I don't know why maybe I'm ashamed of myself. Or maybe I just can't handle life. I remember being around 12 and in that age people using are just getting into crushes and play dates right? Well I had friends come over one girl specifically was my best friend at the time and her name was Nicole. She saw the best and worst in me and I did for her too, she was honestly my best friend, when we stopped being friends I literally cried my heart out. Where am I going? Oh I know so Nicole and I were good friends, but she didn't know anything about what I was going through. Memories started coming back from my rape when I was 8 so that was a lot, and then I started hurting myself, not cutting myself but like I would snap rubber bands on me or I would scratch myself so much my skin would rip off. Imagine being 12 what were you thinking of? Did you try to kill yourself at that age? No? That's good, but my life has always been a rollercoaster of up and downs, when I was in middle school the bullying was ridiculous I literally had people tell me to die and kill my self because I'm too ugly to look at. Who the fuck thinks that's okay? Your telling a child to die. Oh and I tried too. I tried so many times. I remember cutting my wrist so deep that I was so scared but I just hid it I bled through so many things that I was so scared until I searched up online about like these stitches that aren't stitches, they are like bandaids to me and I put it on me and it did close. Took a while, and the scab was actually repulsive, but it healed I currently have the same scar it's not that big anymore I tried so much to hide these babies. They will never be fully hidden, they will just blend in more. Kinda like how I just blend in the background more..