".....fuck..." I missed the bus. Fuck again! I punch my wall. I retreat to the bathroom to wash the blood off my knuckles "Fuck, fuck.....FUCK" I shatter my bathroom mirror with a forceful blow to my reflection. I slink down to the ground as I begin to cry. how the fuck do I explain the mirror to dad? how do I explain my 3 absence this week? I put myself back together and pick up the glass.... it's sharp. Visions of what i could do with the glass play out in my head as I stare at my wrist. "it's okay, just breathe" i say to myself as i release my tightly clenched grip to reveal cuts on my palm. I throw everything off my bathroom sink in a fit of anger. I realize I'm crying again... I get angry which upsets me and makes me sad but, being sad makes me angry... I'm a fucking mess. the anger and hurt seem to swallow me whole. I pull my pocket knife and blades. "who gives a fuck anymore?" i yell as i replace the blade in the knife with a sharper one. My goal is to go deeper... deeper and deeper. By the time I calm down enough to put the blade down my arm looks like a murder scene in a horror film. I grab my blood rag from my room and clean the floor tile after I re-wrap my arm. "I can't do it today...." I sigh. I go to my room reach in the space in my vent and pulls out a bottle of Xanax. I pop 6 mg enough to get me to chill the fuck out. I shake the bottle, only a couple left. I pull out my phone. " Hey, Nat I'm nearly out. hook me up? It's been a rough day..." I hover over send for a moment before hitting send. I never know to trust Natasha or not, she can be kinda two-faced and manipulative. who the hell am I to judge though? I return the bottle to the vent and put the headphones on. I put my suicide playlist on. I know, I know, SUICIDE PLAYLIST?! I have no good explanation. I like music that makes you want to cry and slit your wrist while you scream "FUCK THE WORLD". I lie down on my bed and let the xan high take over. i reach into a tear in my mattress and pull out my closest friends, a bottle of vodka and an assortment of pills in a Ziploc... what should I mix my xannys with today? oxys? percs? Roxy? somas? I pull out 3 somas and a perc. I listen to my music and sip on the vodka for about a half hour till I felt my whole body almost ...shut down. My muscles relax from the soma, my brain feels numb from the xans and the perc numbed my body and my pains. I must've fallen asleep cause I wake to the sound of my brothers bus horn blaring. I walk out, still unsteady from earlier, and get him off the bus. I wasn't always like this, I was going somewhere, I was gonna be successful. I got a bad case of clinical depression in 7th grade though. In 8th grade my self harming and suicidal tendencies started and in the beginning of this year my parents found out. They made a big mistake though, they sent me to a mental hospital where I met drug addicts and more fucked up kids like me. I hooked up with a drug dealer, became bffs with a heroin addict and swapped numbers with a bipolar pot head. I came home so different, I came home angry. I found Nat and had her get me some pills... I started to ask around and fell in with an interesting crowd of people. Now I depend on drugs, sex and rock&roll are the only things that get me through my day... and cutting but that doesn't flow as eloquently now does it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~AUTHOR'S NOTE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
this is so far a true story for now.... comment what cha think, especially if it's the worst thing you ever read lol. <3 peace my lovelies
