Am I Settling?

Preview -Chapter: Cry

You gone suffer. You gone suffer for everything you did. You gone suffer, i done took too much of this. You gone cry, you gone pay me in tears. - K. Michelle, Cry

Xolani R.

I sat on the edge of the bed, head in my hands. I was tired of being hurt and disregarded. I should have left him alone so long ago but my heart couldn't seem to let go. It was hurting now as I waited for him to show up but this had to be done.

Some would think I wasnt hurting inside. I never liked to seem hurt, it was how I coped. You couldnt feel hurt if you ignored your feelings (

😂😂🙃) so i did exactly that. I couldn't ignore my feelings anymore and this was the result.

   I moved to the kitchen to make myself some tea. My nerves were shot so I added a cannabis tea bag to the mixture and just allotted myself time to think. I was doing the right thing for ME and thats what mattered.

I hear the door open and laughing which halts upon seeing me I assume. I look up to see Sonde, Darnell, Vince and Kellan looking at the scene before them.

My big bags were in the car and the bag I had was the only thing left tying me here.

I lied.

I was weak. I couldn't leave a letter because I wanted to see his face, know if hurt would be there. I was leaving but I needed to know if any of the pain I felt was worth it.

"Hey Nini.," said Darnell as Kellan waved. Vincent nor Sonde moved a muscle. I smiled and greeted them, taking my eyes off of him for the first time since they walked in. A silent current ran through the room and the electricity was causing a pregnant pause.

"What are you doing? Why do you have a bag packed?" His voice held his confusion and uncertainty. I sighed deeply, this was the big moment.

"I'm leaving. I cant do this anymore. I couldn't tell you this in a letter or a text. It was too personal to do something so disconnected," I said, my voice stronger than I thought it would be.

He looked as if he'd seen a ghost. His legs moved forward, past me into his bedroom where I hear the door hit the wall as he rushes in. I inch toward the room, watching him from the frame. He looked frantic as he noticed the lack of my possessions. He looked angry as he realized that I was serious.

I felt that anger pin me in place as he stood there in his glory. A short sleeve graced his muscled arms, as well as small scratches on the top of his chest and his arms. Those were inflicted by nails...they werent my nails though.

This ignited my own anger but it was quickly put out as he wrapped me in his arms and kissed me. His lips slightly larger than my own felt like butter and instantly sent me back to out first real kiss. I wrapped my arms around his neck, my hearts resolve weak. My mind was screaming "ITS A TRICK BIH!!!" And something in me finally snapped.

He only kissed me to make me forget my purpose. I couldn't be sucked into staying, yet again.

I slide my hands to his chest and pushed, which he must have been expecting because his arms tightened and he didn't budge. I pushed again, this time tucking my lips inside my mouth. He looked at me as if I had slapped him. Shock riddled his features and he his breathing had ceased. This was it and he felt it.

I gathered myself and side stepped him. I couldn't understand why I couldnt erase him from my heart. Why each step was like a stab to my heart and each moment he didn't try to stop me, each moment the silence lingered, felt like a twist to the knife.

I collected my bag, phone and keys to leave. I saw the boys still standing there, as if in shock. Shit it probably was shock, I was still in a haze. I spoke a soft "see ya around" to the boys and moved towards the front door.

I heard him before I felt him, turning my body, but the impact still knocked me forward. He had his hand pressed to the door, the other holding my waist. The chiseled crevices and mountains of his body pressed into me. He didnt speak. I waited because I knew he had something to say.

"Why?!" It was such a loaded question, it stirred the feelings I was suppressing. I had felt the familiar ache of not being able to get enough air while my eyes stung. This wasn't how this was supposed to be.

A voice murmured "Because you havent cared thus far and I am tired. Can you not be so selfish and let me be happy...?"

It took me a moment to recognize the raspy voice as my own. His eyes scanned my face and something there, whatever he was searching for, made him release me. He unraveled himself from me and inhaled deep. He then unlocked the door and turned the handle, waiting for me to shift so he could open it. He kissed my forehead, lingering a second too long. And then he walked away.

He walked away.

I heard the table in the kitchen hit the ground, the vase of flowers shattering. The destruction didnt stop and I couldn't stand to hear it anymore. I walked out that door and into a new life.