"why are you crying?"
he always asked that question. always. never "what's wrong?" or "are you okay?" it's why are you crying again, why are you being weak again, why can't you get ahold of yourself, jeongguk, what is it this time-
for the hell of it, for the goddamn hell of it, why does it matter to you? because of the of the absolute hell of it, jeongguk thought deliriously, and one day, he swore, he was going to be able to say it out loud.
jeongguk looked away, digging his fingers into his knees. his entire body was shaking.
the other sighed as they leaned back in their chair, the squeaking sound it made causing jeongguk to jolt.
"are you scared?" they asked, with a hint of a concerned tone.
you know the answer to that question.
"i'd like for you to say it out loud."
jeongguk sniffed, pushing his cheek up against his knees. "yeah," he said, small.
"why?" the other asked, big.
"don't like it."
"don't like what?"
"th-this feeling," jeongguk struggled.
"but this feeling is no longer your right to feel."
jeongguk wanted to scream.
"and what good would that do you?"
"at least it's something!" jeongguk yelled, tearing up, choking up, staring up at the other.
he was met with silence and an empty room and his own, blank, dead face. jeongguk gave up and looked at the easel instead.
"have you drawn anything, recently?" the other tried, ignoring jeongguk's outbursts like he usually did.
"just him," jeongguk mumbled, tracing the circle of his knee with his finger, like his muse did.
"that's all you seem to be drawing, nowadays."
"well, you don't talk to anyone else," jeongguk snapped, standing up. "maybe if you didn't sit alone all the time, i'd draw something else for you."
his older self looked up at him, with perfect hair and an expensive suit, tailored to just his size. same jaw, though, same eyes. same bunny teeth that people used to compliment, like that was what made him a child. same scar, he noticed, bringing his hand up to his own tear-stained cheekbone, that the other didn't even remember.
if he didn't remember, he didn't deserve it, jeongguk thought bitterly. he hated it. he hated how they weren't the same but they still were.
"is that my fault?" that jeongguk asked him.
"you don't have to keep reminding me!" the younger shouted, his disgusting voice echoing off the walls. "and it's not my fault, it's your fault, too! we're the same!"
"really? that's not what you said last time."
"i hate you!"
trapped.
Start from the beginning
