Take Me By The Hand

xix

I feel a slight pressure on my stomach. My teeth grind together and I shove the hand away without taking my eyes off of the tray in front of me. I try my hardest to focus all of my attention on the off-white foam, the way it clashes against the blue and grey mix of color that surfaces my usual table. I manage another bite, just getting the plastic fork into my mouth, when the pressure hits me again. It's so minute that I wouldn't have noticed it had it not been happening consistently since last night. I sigh and ignore the touch, figuring that it will go away soon. But instead, the hand on my stomach starts moving in circular patterns, rubbing what Josh and Mikey like to call my "baby non-bump."

I glare at Josh, who is scooted over on the bench seat, closer than normal. He simply grins at me. "If you don't get your hand off of my stomach, I will stab you in the eye." I hold the fork up for emphasis, the Ranch that clings to it somehow making my threat more intimidating.

Josh frowns at me but removes his hand regardless. He shifts his gaze to Mikey, who is currently seated across from us looking more than amused. "Don't mess with a pregnant man," Josh mutters in a low voice like I can't hear his words. "Those hormones got him all jacked up."

I sigh, exasperated, and throw my fork down. "I am not fucking pregnant!" I exclaim. Matt and Andrew, who are just sliding into their seats, cast me a curious look. Great. Now they think I'm crazy.

Before they have the chance to even ask what the hell we're talking about, Josh smiles slyly, interlinking his fingers and resting his arms on the table, his lunch long forgotten. "Frank is pregnant," He states like it's the most simple thing in the world.

Mikey, who has been silent until now, looks over at the new arrivals, narrowing his eyes. "I tried calling you yesterday," He says curiously, taking a drink of his milk. "Where were you?"

Matt shrugs and stuffs an overcooked french fry into his mouth. "Busy," He replies vaguely. "I had other plans." I can see the hint of a blush on his cheeks and he stares intently at the lunch before him. After a moment of awkward silence, he clears his throat and looks back up at me. "So you're pregnant, huh?"

I roll my eyes and cross my arms, pouting. "No. I am not."

"Not according to the test," Josh points a slim finger at me and I fight the urge to snap it off and shove it down his throat.

"Whoa, wait. What?" Matt laughs, an amused smile on his face. He leans forward on his elbows, now fully enveloped in the conversation. "You actually took a pregnancy test?"

I glare at him. "First, tell us where you were yesterday." I don't actually expect an answer, or much of one, but I want the attention to be shifted off of me.

Putting everyone's focus on Matt and his vague answers about his whereabouts seems like a good idea until he shrugs, not breaking my eye contact and says, "I had sex with Andrew. Did the test actually come out positive?"

My eyes widen and I start to choke on my own spit. Way to be blunt, Matt. I shift my gaze to Andrew to see that his face has become as red as a tomato and he's watching Matt with an expression that clearly says 'that is personal, asshole!' but he doesn't deny it. Josh and Mikey's attention is momentarily focused on the pair that sit across the table from me and Mikey is the first to react.

"What the hell?" He asks, his eyes bugging as well. "Like... Seriously?"

Josh shakes his head and waves both of his hands in the air, drawing the attention back to the previous conversation. "We can talk about those two later," He pauses and raises an eyebrow, pointing to each of them. "And believe me, we're definitely coming back to that. But for now-- Yes, the test came out positive. Looks like we have little baby Baker's in this tummy." Josh's hand once again attaches to my stomach and he looks at me like a proud mother.

I shove his hand away and shift away from him, which is complicated because I'm already on the edge of the bench and if I go over any farther, I'll be sitting on the ground. Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing. Sure everyone would look at me like I'm crazy for eating lunch on the gross floor but at least I'd be away from Josh and his insistent touching and awwing. But I resist the urge to move my seat to the ground and play with the tab on my half-empty can of Pepsi. I twist the metal around and around, pulling up and letting go, allowing the echoing clack of aluminum when it hits the can. "It was just a faulty test," I argue, not willing to meet any of the pairs of eyes I can feel boring into me. "Like, seriously. You bought the shitty brand that was like two bucks. I am not pregnant."

"You know," Andrew says casually, waving a forkful of salad at me. "When a dude takes a pregnancy test and it shows up positive, it can be a sign of testicular cancer." He shovels to food into his mouth and my heart nearly jumps out of chest. The nonchalance that hangs in his voice almost covers up the fact that he just suggested that I could have cancer. Almost.

My eyes widen measurably and I can tell everyone else has turned their attention to him as well. Nobody speaks for a long moment and Andrew watches his lettuce, not even noticing the tensity that has suddenly surrounded our table. I'm the first one to speak, finally finding my voice in the midst of the panic that racks my brain. "What did you just fucking say?" My voice reveals the terror I feel building inside of me and I notice that Josh turns to me in the bench seat but I pay him no mind.

Andrew finally looks up and stops chewing mid-bite, only now noticing that everyone aside from Josh is gawking at him. He swallows the rough bite but has no chance to speak before Josh pipes up. "He's not serious, Frank," He says, though he glances at Andrew. "Right?"

Andrew looks awkward, sliding his glasses up farther on his nose. The silence that erupts when he opens his mouth to say something seems deafening and I find myself wanting to scream at him. He closes his mouth, opening it again and I can't help the imagery of a fish that pops into my head. "Well, it's just..." He hesitates and moves his hands around in front of him, making awkward gestures that have no resemblance to his words. "Well, guys aren't supposed to have the hormones pregnant women do. When a pregnancy test comes up positive for a guy, it can indicate something wrong physically. Like testicular cancer."

"I have fucking cancer!?" I demand, gaping at him.

"No, you don't," Josh replies. His voice is defiant and sure but I can't seem to focus on him. My head is spinning. This was supposed to be a joke. A fucking JOKE. And now...

I can hear someone yelling but the vertigo overtakes me in the same moment. I want to throw up but I couldn't make it to the bathroom if I tried, my eyesight seeming to go out of focus and making me see three of everything. Three Josh's are hovering over me in a second and it takes me a moment to realize that I've fallen off of the bench but by the time the thought occurs to me, everything is going black and all three Josh's disappear.