thunderstorms, clouds, snow, and a slight drizzle

if i get high enough, will i see you again?

The following days were hard for me, I was so confused and I did not want anything to do with anyone. He left, but I am guessing this is how I made him feel when i left him. I hugged Josh goodbye when i dropped him off at the airport. He was going to finish recordings out in california, guessing Tyler caught an earlier plane. "Behave yourself, Arum." He said whispering into my ear. I smiled, "I love you Joshy." I said as i hugged him once more for the embrace.

Weeks went by with out me coming into contact with anyone except Reggie. She would try to get me to come out of my room but I decided the best thing to do was to hide under my covers. "Lets  do something." Reggie burst into my room. "ugh." I groaned, tossing my sheets over my head pretending i wasn't here. "Arum, lets go. This guy from my old history class asked me out with all his friends, i need you to come." I looked into her eyes as i groaned once more, "Shower, Now." She snapped at me, as i silently nodded my head and get ready to go out.

"Reggie!" A boy shouted at the bar with about five other guys standing around him. He had classic good looks, brown hair, blue eyes, a smile that could light up the room, and a certain vibe that made everyone feel comfortable. "Thomas!" She smiled at him kissing him on his cheek. "Arum, this is Thomas, He was in my last history class." He looked at me and his lips curled, causing myself to blush a little. "Hello, lovely." He said and extended his hand to shake, "Can i buy you a drink?" He softly said as i nodded. I sat next to him as one of his friends started talking to Reggie. I fiddled with my thumbs not knowing if I should say anything or keep drinking. "Do you have anxiety?" Thomas said watching my thumbs dig into my hands. I smiled at him feeling nervous. "Yeah..." I said looking down trying to laugh. "Here" He handed me a tiny pill. I was used to taking anti-depressants. I swallowed no questions asked. "Xanax, it'll help you calm down and relax." I nodded my head.

An hour in and Thomas and I were dancing in the middle of the bar, I was a giggling mess. I walked over to the bathroom, tired, but able to walk correctly. I pulled out my phone and decided at this very moment i had to tell Joshua how much he meant to me. I facetimed him and on the second ring he answered. "Hey buddy!" He laughed as i smiled, "I MISS YOU." I said loud enough. "Are you drunk Arum?" He said straightening up his smile, and looked concerned. "Don't be a  dad Joshua." I laughed. "Hey Josh who are you-" Tylers voice was in the background. "Tell Tyler fuck you!" I laughed as i could hear the door slam from wherever they were. "Arum.." Josh sighed. "Ill call you back later.." "Seriously?" I laughed before hanging up before Josh got the chance too. "Fuck him too." I said to myself. Walking back out towards Thomas he smiled at me as i closed my eyes and pushed my lips towards his.

It started out slowly, I would take a xanax at least once a week, Thomas would come over, we would take one together and hook up. Then it was more often, He would come over, or i would go over to his house, and then it got to the point every day. I had gotten several missed calls and texts from Josh, never answering a single one.

Summer became Autum and Autum became the beginning of Winter. Today, November 30th, marked the one year of my brothers death. I was back again, asleep on my bed with the windows opened. "Babe." Thomas shoved the side of me before plopping himself on his bed. "Babe!" He said louder. I opened my eyes slowly, still a little out of it. "Aw babe, you still bar'ed out?" He smiled pulling a baggie out from his pocket. My eyes widened as i saw the fine white powder in the bag. "Coke babe!" He said excitedly. I bit my lip, and shook my head. "No, not tonight." He laughed and grabbed my arm. "Well, like it or not we are going out tonight. Party at Ed's house. Music and shit is going down!" He said licking his teeth before pushing his lips against mine, violently.

I was completely out of it when we walked in the door. Thomas said hello to a few people as i clung on to his arm. "Babe i got a surprise for you." He smiled. "Close your eyes and open up your mouth." I agreed, closing my eyes and opening my mouth up slightly. I felt a tiny pressure on my tongue as he closed my mouth and i swallowed thinking it was another xanax. I heard a few people laughing in the back as i slowly opened my eyes. Thomas smiled as he kissed my cheek. "Get ready for a trip." He whispered. Confused, I walked over to get water, when my vision started turning into colorful swirls of light. I blinked my eyes as i felt Thomas nudge my side. "Its good acid, baby." He said as my head started to spin. I started to breathe heavily. "Go outside, fresh air will help." Thomas said, i took his advice as i walked quickly out the back door.

My heart was pounding. I looked up and I saw the one thing i knew wasn't there. Jona. He looked so real, His facial features, everything. I shook my head and he was gone. Tears started to run down the side of my face as i started to run. I knew where i should go, the graveyard. When I arrived, the ground looked like it was moving,  I had run at least 26 blocks to make it, and i laid on the ground next to his gravesite. My hands started shaking as I blinked harder trying to find reality. My eyes saw Jona again, but this time he looked like a zombie. Bugs were crawling on his decomposed skin. I screamed. "You're not real!" I cried out, grabbing my phone, trying to dial Josh's number knowing he was back in town. It went straight to voicemail. I clenched my fist, closing my eyes tighter before dialing another familiar number. "Hello?" Tyler answered on the first ring. My cries turned into screams. "ARUM?" Tylers voice grew louder. "YOU'RE NOT REAL." I repeatedly stated at my acid trip of Jona. "ARUM WHATS WRONG?" He said as i heard shuffling going on in the background like he was putting on his shoes. "JONA." I cried out. "Where are you!" He said louder, "Jona...hes following me.." I said, "Send your location Arum" Tyler said trying to calm me down. "Grave.." Was the only words i could say and with that he knew exactly where i was. I opened my eyes and cried out louder when what i believed to be Jona was closer now, staring back at me, the sky a deep burgundy with the grass changing color.

Only a few moments later, Tyler came and embraced me with a hug. I was covered in mud, my face wet and tear stained. "Its okay." He said as he tried to stop my sobbing. He held me in the middle of the graveyard, even after i stopped crying and shaking. When my trip was wearing off, He picked me up and carried me to his car. I didn't say anything, i just watched his jaw clench up when he noticed me looking at him and his soft tired brown eyes focusing on carrying me safe.