Anything But Normal

Matt alone in a Jeep

I had turned the car off about 10 minutes ago, but neither of us had moved. My hands still gripped the wheel as if I were driving. Cash hadn't moved an inch.

I swallowed back spit trying to combat the dryness in my throat. I wanted to speak. I wanted to scream, actually. But nothing came out.

I gripped the wheel harder.

"Your brother was good in the play," Cash said, as if this was the right time. I snorted. He hadn't spoken to me since 3 hours ago when the damn play started. 

"He only did it for some stupid girl who works backstage. Freshmen boys always have a fucking agenda," I spat back to him. It wasn't what I wanted to say, but something about his comment ignited me. Who cares about the damn play, I wanted to yell. Who cares about my damn brother when your dad is dead and I didn't even know?

 "Still," he countered with a nonchalance I wanted to smack him for. "For only picking it up to impress a girl--"

"ENOUGH ABOUT MY DAMN BROTHER!"

Cash's eyes widened. I was looking at him now, and I realized I had slammed the steering wheel hard enough for the horn to blare. A dog started barking somewhere down the street. I took a deep breath in. "Enough," I repeated. "Enough about the play."

I watched his adams apple bob up and down. "Sorry," he muttered.  I rolled my eyes at his pathetic attempt to sound sincere. 

"Cash, do I mean nothing to you?"

His tongue ran over his lips, but he stayed silent.

"Am I just some stupid kid who you like to fuck around with? Because if so, tell me right now so I can go home and stop wasting my time."

He was shaking his head. "No, Matty, stop it. You know I care."

"Then what the absolute fuck is going on here?"

His mouth opened slightly, but he didn't say anything. He just sat there looking at me like a lost puppy. "You say you care about me, but when I come to you wanting to participate in a relationship with you, you shut me out. You completely shut me out like some worthless idiot. Do you know how stupid and insignificant you have made me feel this week?" I paused, watching his lips slam shut. "I just don't get why you would voluntarily make me feel like this if you care about me. I've been trying to figure it out and for the goddamn life of me, Cash, I can't. I never gave you a reason to treat me this way."

He stopped meeting my eyes. His stare focused on something outside my window. I continued. "You said that you're damaged goods and that I shouldn't want you, and I get that you may feel that way Cash, but I don't. I want to squeeze the fuck out of your damaged goods every second of every day but you just won't let me. You won't let me in, Cash. You won't."

His eyes drifted down my body as I took a deep breath in. "Cash," I whispered sadly. "Your dad died and I just found out tonight. And you weren't even telling me." He looked away from me, but I didn't care. "I want to know these things. I want to hold you when you're upset and I want to kiss you when you let me and I just want you to be happy. But if you don't want that with me, fine. I get it. You can go."

Slowly, he turned from the window and looked at me. For a second, I could have sworn his eyes were glistening. But I couldn't be sure, because he only looked at me for that one second. Then, he was unbuckling his seatbelt, opening the door, and walking up his front porch, finally leaving me alone.