Every single day, the first thought I had when I woke up wasn’t how tired I was or the bad things that were going to happen to me throughout the day. My first thought in the morning was her smile, because it gave me more energy than the sun itself holds. My first thought in the morning was her smile, because all the bad thing seemed to little and faded away, time itself stopped when she smiled. Although, I knew that it was just an empty emotionless smile, a fake and hypocritical smile. My days were better somehow by just thinking in her fake smile, why though?, might ask. The only answer I can come up with, it because it made me feel hope again. Hope, being for me a simple dream that would never come to reality. I was very aware of who exactly she was, but destiny made it impossible for her to know me. Just like her smile that seemed fullfiled with life, happiness and joy, the same smile that made me feel in eden just by watching it. She was empty too. She was emotionless, and this was not due to how much she has gone through life, in contrast it was due to how little has she gone through. She was simply too unexperienced in what might come after her, but she still smiled like her entire life was full of happiness, obviously not like me, she did not had hope. Although, it was the only feeling she could give to me. One of those weird days I decided to ask her if she believed in hope. For a second I felt so naïve for thinking she was going to answer me, but for my surprise she did. She told me that hope is just an excuse to not give up, that we don’t like to give up in what brings us benefit or satisfies us. Despite the fact that I didn’t agree with her answer, I continued listening and said yes. I didn’t regret lying to her, because my entire life is based on lies so another one won’t harm anyone, but myself. I didn’t said much to her, I just listen because for me talking is just repeating what I know, If I listened to her I would actually know something new for instance. In the end, she seemed to be like anybody else, but I knew she was the total opposite. Everyone else in this world is just merely a piece of…trash, nothing but a waste of thoughts and potential based on lies and selfishness. In contrast, she…was a simple illusion to me, an illusion far beyond from what I have ever seen or felt, because I could actually feel something, and then I realize.
Isn’t it funny how many claim to be in love without knowing what love truly is?, without knowing who are you truly in love with. How is it possible to know if the person you claim to be in love with is just a part of them or worst, another person based in lies create just for you to fall. I smiled, smiled again and this time with another reason, I finally became concious of what love is , love is just a simple word create by an illusion. I realized that I was daydreaming while she was speaking to me. I was daydreaming looking right at her eyes, and smiling. She stopped talking and smirked at me, and then anxiety took over my body and the only thing I could do was smirk back at her. Someow that smirk of hers felt more real, and less hypocritical than her smile. Although it didn’t gave me hope I could say I love it. Why? again might ask, since this smirk was different than her smile, because her smile is just a whimsical illusion of eden for me, which was not real. In contrast, that smirk is the truth that she hides, that truth was shown to me with a common face expression in form of seduction. She wasn’t so acquitted either guiltless as she seemed to be. That smirk of her showed me crack, zany and outrageous thoughts similar to mine, and her beautiful eyes that made me able to see the beauty of the blue ocean, showed me the darkness in her lucid thoughts. Therefore for the first time I felt real love, this time I didn’t fell for an illusion or for the simple feeling of it, this time was wild, dark and psicomanic which made my heart beat like never before. I have never felt more dead than ever. She was literally killing me with her love, however she never loved me, she was in love with a figment of her own imagination. Everytime she looked at me, she loved it more, but as a consequence she suffered more, and the pain and affliction made her stronger. She knew who she truly was and who I truly am. The only one whom should be blamed for making her adapt to reality is me, now she craves for my presence because it soothes her soul. Although, I needed her the most, but I confused necessity with desire. I became selfish and I could say “possesive” as I was getting used to called her mine. I let myself acclimate to letting her persuade me and let her love take over my thoughts and my body. That was the best mistake I’ve ever made. I don’t regret it, but once someone told me that one of the man worst weakness was getting used to something or someone, becasuse one day It won’t be the same and that day is going to be the day that the man’s world will fall down into parcial madness. I was concious that sooner or later that day was going to come. Although I was not afraid, I haven’t in a long time. I learned to only fear fear itself. However, one day she came to me and look at me straight to my dead eyes, and I knew. It was excrutiating, I could see that she could not hold the suffering anymore. I hugged her, and the symphony of my beating heart soothe her pain, but she crave for more and more pain to embrace it. I realized that in trying to fix certain things, I often cause more damage. She’s simply wrecked, and I can’t believe I did it again. I destroy everything I try to take care of. Now her sorroful eyes are consuming me and I know shes going to abandon me. Demostrating me, that I simply wasn’t enough. I wasn’t strong enough to neutralize her pain, but it is not just that I wasn’t capable to love her, how could I if she never loved me. She’s gone for good now and it is impossible for m to change anything, like always. It seems that with all that suffering I never learn, deep down inside I still expect something to change. Now I just stare at myself, agonizing in silence. Now I am paralized as my tears fall down through my face. It feels like my soul is bleeding, and with each tear my anger grows bigger and stronger. I let my true self out, I am pure rage. I have claimed many times to destroy many thing, but now I just want to destroy myself. I just want to end with it, and it is not because of her, or anyone else. It is all just me, I don’t deserve it and it is simply not worth it, but I won’t rush. my soul is still bleeding out to death and I want to test my patience once again, with time I have learned the art of patience is not just waiting, in fact is how well you behave while waiting and I have been courteously waiting my entire life, but I don’t have the minimal idea for what.
