Not Love, But Comfort

Part 6

"Honey! I'll be back in two hours!" your mom shouted, interrupting your thoughts.

The moment you heard her car leave the driveway, you blasted your room with the most depressing music you had. You grabbed the razor that you now kept on your bedside table and began the ritual your had been performing the past couple weeks. You added 2 more on your arm, and while you were being careful not to get caught, you decided to switch from your leg, to your thighs. Adding one, two, three, four, five, and so forth on your thighs. It was to the point where your entire thigh stung and was red and swollen. However this time wasn't enough. The voices of the past would not quiet down, and thoughts in your head began to fill your mind.

"Will I ever be good enough?...Am I just a big disappointment? Who would even miss me if I were gone? Life is just going to continue without me so why even bother living? What difference in the world am I going to make? I should just do it...I should just kill myself. I don't see the point in living anymore. I'll just overdose on the sleeping pills my mom has. Who's going to miss me? My sister clearly has nothing left for me, my dad isn't even here anymore to see what i'm going through...but mom. Mom wouldn't continue on...she would be devastated. She would just spend her days withering away until it was her time. I can't do that."

You were falling deeper and deeper into your big dark black hole of depression. It felt like there was no getting out, and the only way you seemed to be going was down. You ran over to your parents bedroom and spotted the bottle of pills and grabbed them. You ran back into your room, paced back and forth, back and forth contemplating whether you should commit the act or not. The thoughts in your head would not stop. They were getting to the point where you could here nothing but the thoughts. You opened the bottle of pills and poured all the pills onto your bed. You were about to swallow them all when you checked the time. Your mom was going to be back home in 15 minutes. The 2 hours that your mom was gone, the majority was spent on cutting yourself, figuring out how you were going to kill yourself, and trying to convince yourself that you and the world would better off with you dead. 

You knew that 15 minutes wasn't enough time for the pills to be in your system and do their job. So you put all the pills back in the bottle, but you decided to pop 3 pills in your mouth, hoping you'd get some sleep and something more. You put the bottle back and crawled into your bed. You cried yourself to sleep, praying that you wouldn't wake up the next day.

Hoseok: Hey Y/N, you up?

Hoseok: Y/N?

Hoseok: Hellooooooo??

Hoseok: Y/N you ok? You're usually up at this time. Where are you?

Hoseok: ...Y/N...?

You woke up to 16 text messages from Hoseok. Surprisingly you had slept the entire night through for the first time in a long time. Hoseok expressed deep concern and worry about you through his texts, the least you could do was text him back to calm him down.

Y/N: Hey...sorry, I fell asleep early last night. I'm ok, no need to worry.

In an instant, you got a reply.

Hoseok: OH MY GOD YOU HAD ME FREAKING OUT! DON'T DO THAT AGAIN!

Y/N: sorry...

You don't know why Hoseok was making such a fuss, it's not like he couldn't survive without you.

Hoseok: So..you want to hang out again?

Y/N: Idk..I don't feel too well.

Hoseok: Oh come on...pleeeeeease..for me?