Message

+ Failing

I didn't know what I did wrong.
I tried all my best, doing it all alone but,

It didn't go so well.

We already had so many problems in our hands, but I ended up doubling it.
If only I was smart enough, I shouldn't have stressed out about simple little things like my health.

I've always been so conscious about my health that I forgot about all my projects and activities in school.

I'm suppose to be better than this!

No one knows about my health problems, so I shouldn't have been so upset about it. I should've studied, I should've ignored all my damn feelings!

But it's so hard to do that.

I'm failing in school, I didn't want that to happen! I couldn't let that happen, that's what I promised to my mother!

I'm suppose to be better than my idiotic sister.

Without telling anyone about my problems, I suddenly became too selfish. I didn't care whether I lost all my family because of me, and I didn't care if I failed in class because I didn't really know what to do.

I've been bottling up my feelings for so long, and the lid inside of me is ready to burst in any minute..

I don't want this life!
Why couldn't I be normal?

Why couldn't I be perfect?

But isn't that selfish?
Yeah, everyone's selfish.

I'm so childish.
"You're still young, you don't know anything about pain. You haven't went through so much unlike we did.", yeah, I'm a child.

You want to know why I don't know anything about pain?

Because I forced myself to be happy.

My family could never guess it, they always thought I was a happy type of person. I can't be myself in front of them, I'm such a coward, right?

I've been lying to myself for so many years.

I could barely see the truth anymore.

I couldn't even remember who I am.

If my secrets were to be seen by somebody one day, if this pain were to be noticed by my family,

I would never be myself.

I don't want anyone to know my secrets.

I don't want anyone to love me.

From,
Julian