Hurts like Hell (Grelliam Songfic)

I loved you...

The rain pelts to the muddy ground, sounding like applause... but this is no place or time for applause... even though our tragedy is over now... the grey clouds block away every sunbeam, it's almost like heaven has a bad conscience too. Everything is bleak, coloured grey and drab, expect for three blood-red roses, which have been placed on the wet, black earth. Who has placed them there? Me. Why? Because now I know he has always loved them... has always loved me, like I has loved him...

 ~How can I say this without breaking

How can I say this without taking over
How can I put it down into words
When it's almost too much for my soul alone~

And the fact that, I'll never be able to tell him, that I was sorry or how much I loved him too, makes my heart break into a million pieces and the shards are piercing into my chest now with every sob, that rocked my body. I still can't believe it... he is gone... my William is gone... dead... -

~I loved and I loved and I lost you
I loved and I loved and I lost you
I loved and I loved and I lost you
And it hurts like hell
Yeah it hurts like hell~

Now I stay here, wearing all black, instead of my passionate, usual red... I have never thought that I, Grell Sutcliff, will be the one, that will stay at his grave and cry my heart out... another loud sob leaves my body... All I have ever wanted was suddenly unreachable... if I have known how much I have hurt him with chasing after that demon... or how much he has secretly done for me... I would have behaved differently. Now it is too late... but who could tell, that he'd kill him self with his own scythe? Nobody. I still can't... my body feels numb and frozen, only my violent sobs and tears told me, I haven't died too... I still remember every word of his letter... first I couldn't believe it at all, all the things he had done for me... He had taken the blame for so much mistakes I had made for protecting me from terrible punishments, he had always done overtime and fixed my paperwork or had just watched over me, while I was out collecting souls, so nobody would harm me...and every time he saw me chasing after every handsome, strong man I met, was making him more insecure, so he had never told me about his feelings for me, until last week. If I had known, that he was noticing me... loving me... I would have never hurt him like that! NEVER! I had always wished for getting noticed and loved by him, since our final exam, but due to his cold, strict behaviour, I was so sure, that he hadn't replied my feelings at all. Unfortunately, I had never noticed the small things... his insecurities were preventing him from confessing to me. And it had all stood a secret...

~I don't want them to know the secrets
I don't want them to know the way I loved you
I don't think they'd understand it,
No I don't think they would accept me, no~

They had never accepted it anyway, it was strictly forbidden that employees had romantic relationships with each other, he had known that and even though I wouldn't have cared, he had done it for protecting me again... "oh Will..." I sob and kneel down in front of the wet gravestone, caressing over the inscription with my shivering hands. "How could you do this to me?" I ask the lifeless stone and know I'll never get an answer. Hot tears streamed down my from cold hurting cheeks, blurring my sight. "I love you..." I whisper and hide my face behind my numb hands again. "I LOVED YOU..." I suddenly yell and sob harder...

~I loved and I loved and I lost you
I loved and I loved and I lost you
I loved and I loved and I lost you
And it hurts like hell
Yeah it hurts like hell~

The only respond I get is the pelting of the rain hitting the ground, soaking my clothes and making my body shiver from crying and the cold... I can't make a clear thought anymore... all these memories fighting against each other... the times he hurt me... the times he saved me... all the arguments... the harsh words that had hidden so much love... again I feel like losing my mind! And like I saw the cinematographic records of our whole, now dead, tragedy, the last picture of the film was him... smiling. I had never seen him smile, expect for once, when I had said to Thomas' soul, that I only belonged to one man and that was him. But back then I had thought he had smiled, because now he finally could master the final exam... I was so wrong again... so god damn wrong. But it was his own fault too, why did he never say something?! For a short moment hate and rage rush through my body, but I only get out another poor sob. In the end it had been my fault, that he hadn't confessed his feelings to me. Now matter how I turn it over... it was my fault and now I couldn't change it anymore... he is dead now.

~Dreams fight with machines
Inside my head like adversaries
Come wrestle me free
Clean from the war
Your heart fits like a key Into the lock on the wall
I turn it over, I turn it over
But I can't escape I turn it over,
I turn it over!~

So all I can do now is try to life with this blame and the knowledge, that I lost the love of my life... How am I supposed to do this? To get through this without losing my mind? It... it's impossible! In his letter he begged me to don't cry over him "you stupid bastard... how could I not cry over you?" I ask him and feel myself sobbing harder again.
I sat there for hours... crying and begging, lying to myself and hating me... but then the only thing I can do is staying up, whispering: -

~I loved and I loved and I lost you
I loved and I loved and I lost you
I loved and I loved and I lost you
And it hurts like hell~

I hope you liked my small song-fiction to the song: It hurts like hell by fleurie.)