[Imperfect+Me]

Deep Life Rant

Why is life so complicated?

These are just some of the questions that I ask myself. I know, you think it's weird, or maybe cliche. I'm even typing all of this with dramatic music.

But at least, I hope I can express myself in this way a rather 'journal' type.

Cause a author once said, your life is a story. Welp, I forgot his name, but credits to him/her.

Anyways, without further ado, let me tell you something about myself.

-Satsuki

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I'm just a girl with above average looks. I am the definition of smart. But I'm not smarter or smartest. I'm good at arts, but only specifically in designing characters and detail arts. I know how to play instruments; piano, violin, ukulele, recorder, you name it. Once you tell me to learn it, I could learn it by myself. I'm that girl. Nothing special really. I bet there are people even better than me. But I didn't say that I was jealous of them or anything. I'm not that kind of person.

My hobbies are writing fanfics of course, drawing, doing sports and such. I don't really have talents, I have a normal voice, I can sing, I can dance. I sometimes... You know.... Uh how do you call this... I tend to sometimes get into fights(?) haha. It's nothing serious like bullying though.

But most of all, are my friends. Right now, I have quite a lot of friends in FB, meanwhile in ig and twitter, I don't usually accept followers I don't know in real life. So I guess it's quite a few haha. But that's not important right now. What's important are my irl friends.

I have been through quite a lot of breakups when it comes in friendship. They say that friendship breakups are more painful than relationship breakups with your gf/bf since losing a friend is losing a part of you, a bond, and some memories. But trust me, if you don't believe what I'm typing right now, I guess you need some experience.

I've lost some friends, maybe around 3-4 people(for me it's a lot okay). Mostly, it's because of misunderstandings. Even until now, I don't know why they are so immature about such things. Meanwhile for myself, I don't know why I'm still thinking of things that has already happened like a long time ago. It makes me look so stupid yet reflecting at my past at the same time... Wait, that even dosen't make any sense.

I always regret anout losing them. I think that I was always at fault. But sometimes, I think of myself as an idiot. Like, why would I take everything as my fault?! I am the one who is apologizing already yet people still tend to leave me. What's wrong with me? Just because I made a single puny mistake, does it mean that I'm not trusted anymore, or am I a liar? God, not everyone is perfect, surely they made some mistakes in their lives too.

My first friendship breakup changed my whole view of life. It actually ruined me and my life in the process. The second one make me realized that there are plastic people just lying around the corners. My thrid one make me realized that it hurts so much to be left behind by someone your were attached with with your whole childhood. The fourth one made me realized that, I should treasure every memory before losing them.

I always, always, ALWAYS wish that I could turn back time. Even right now, I'm still having my hopes up to be friends with them again. I'm actually trying my best, I just don't have the opportunity. But I think, I'm the only one who thinks this way.

I have around 5 people whom I call my close friends. The others are just normal friends. I don't really show my real personality to them. I'm just scared that I might hurt people again.

Relationships. *sighs* The whole idea is plain stupid. I guess I'm that person who hooks up with people only. I don't really find my type quite yet. I'm even confused with my sexuality. I guess I'm straight with the pole bended up quite a bit because of wattpad(lol) So I guess I'm still straight(?) or maybe Bi for the time being. I do have girl crushes, cause you know, some girls are just so pretty lol. But only until crushes though. I only admire them from afar. I don't want to ruin their minds about having an admirer with the same sex. So I guess I'm kind enough not to say my feelings at all.

I admit, I do have some guys admirers, giving me chocolates, flowers and everything, but they're not my type. Like, I want guys who has a good personality and looks. I don't need the perfect guy, I just want that guys who can understand me with all these shit going on with me. But not those cringy guys eww wtf.

But I wish, I can have a girl admirer(lol) I think it feels nice if you're applicable for both genders. Just saying, you know. I'm so weird.

I just wanted to share this cause I think I need to let it all out. Even my close friends wouldn't even understand. Even with them, I put boundaries. So I guess if I just share it here with strangers reading this, I think they would get the gist of my life. I hope I'm not alone though.

Ciao!~

-Satsuki