If Only

Preface

3/27/05
     Today I sat in an aisle of the
local church.  Maybe God can
fill the hole in my life.  Maybe
all my sorrows will end.  It was
only fifteen years ago that my
life was enjoyable.
Now I'v lost track of time because
everyday is the same repetitive
hell that I've come to accept.  Now
I pray to this god who has watched
me suffer up to this point in my
life.
I will struggle on.  Surprisingly
there are a few things still left to
live for.  I am thankful for my job,
and my wonderful neighborhood,
but is it enough to satisfy myself?

     It was a day like any other.  I woke up to the sound of the harmonic church bells at the six o'clock hour.  The paper boy had dropped of the daily paper ten minutes prior.
     I walked slowly to the front yard because I had not fully waken up.  I skimmed up and down my street. Everything looked peaceful for the time being.  Peace was normal in Willoughby.  Nothing bad has happened here in my lifetime.  I liked it that way.
     The paper was at the threshold between the street, and my driveway.  Before I picked the paper up, the headline caught my attention

Bomb Threat Increasing, Stay Alert!

     Why must war come.  It brings nothing but hate.  Hopefully it ends in a compromise.
     I pushed the thought out of my head completely as I drove to Benny's Diner.  The drive was fairly quick because it was located in the center of town.
     Stepping into the diner transformed the world into a retro mid 20th century area, and I enjoyed it.
     I put on my apron with a smile.  June, Benny's niece, was now the owner of the diner because Benny was put into a home. She walked over to me with her perfect afro, which blended into the setting.  Her silver hoop earrings accented her dark skin.
     She sat down in a booth seat that was a few yards away, and she looked at me.  I could read the regret on her face.
"Lovely day, isn't it?" I said.
"Yes, it's wonderful," she sighed. "I should've called.  I decided to let everyone have Easter off.  I thought it would be nice to spend the day with family."
"Oh," I said, shocked.  "Thanks for the warning." I joked.  She laughed.
"Have a nice day, you deserve one."
"You too"
     I took off my apron, and went back to my car.  I was disappointed.  Working there was usually the highlight of my day.
     Wow, it's already Easter.  Felt like just yesterday we were having the tree lighting ceremony.
     I turned my music up. It was classical - my favorite.  My head was still determining what to do.
     It would be nice to spend the day with my family, but I can't.  My parents died fifteen years ago, along with my sister, in a car accident.  They're buried up in Pennsylvania.  Except for my brothers, who still live in Pennsylvania, I had nobody.
     Finally I decided to just take a drive around the town, and then go back home.  There must've been a family gathering, or something, on Cricket Street. There was a small traffic jam near the pavilion, but some people were still in the pavilion.
     There was a small thud in the distance.
     On the reflection of my rear view mirror, I see a family.  It was just an ordinary family.
     Then the father said something unintelligible to his wife, and daughter.  The little girl screamed in fear of what was just said to her, and her eyes gazed up in the sky looking at something.  Before I could see what she was looking for, there was a bright light shining  everywhere.  It blinded me.
     I sat in the car, or what was left of it, as the light disappeared leaving nothing.  I couldn't hear anything except faint muffled cries.  Everything was pitch black. 
     It was like a big black cloud had consumed me.  I didn't know what would happen now.  I attempted fighting against it, pushing through.  Struggling only made it worse, now my brain feels like it has exploded, and I gave in. 
     My body felt like it was being repeatedly stabbed, then I felt nothing.  All of my senses had been lost.  I could only see, hear, smell, touch, and taste the darkness. It began overpowering my mind until I was no more.