Drugs Became His Family

.

I remember when we were little; you definitely had first born syndrome. You had such a love-hate relationship towards me. You taught me how to roller-skate and it was the best, getting to spend the day with my big brother. But that was all you gave me, a day. A whole day to feel what it was like to have a big brother, I was only 4. I just wanted you to love me the way I loved you. I looked up to you even though you did nothing to deserve that. 

Our house burned down when I was only 4 and you were 10. I needed you then but you still acted as if I were a burden. You were supposed to grow up and take care of me but instead I was cooking and tucking myself into bed at 4 years old while mom and dad worked their asses off to get us a new home. You were supposed to take care of me and instead you left me alone, but when you finally came back; I would take care of you. Even though it was supposed to be the other way around. Why couldn't you just be the big brother I needed for a moment? 

There were moments when I could see it though but it would disappear so quickly. Like when I was 6 and a boy pushed me into a ditch while we were waiting for the school bus and you beat the shit out of him but you never asked if I was okay. I ran home and cried; and when you came home, you said it was my fault for being such a stupid little girl. You blamed a lot of things on me. 

Mom cheated on dad when I was 7, you 13. We thought she would leave dad and us behind to go be with him. I remember you being so angry with her, you called her a whore and said I would be just like her; I didn't even completely understand what was going on. We were locked in a room while our parents fought about it and you blamed me, you said it was my fault; if I hadn't been so messed up, she wouldn't have wanted to leave. I was only 7 and we had just moved into a new house, I was having such a difficult time adjusting. I needed my big brother then and you spit in my face. 

If I had known then that that wouldn't be the first time.