You without me

The world was so colorful

The world was so colorful. Millions of colors and so much light.

It's funny how quickly that can change. One moment a world of color, then the next you're seeing the world in shades of black and white. Like an old-timey movie. The one's children refuse to watch.

My eyes filled up with tears as my teacher told us our assigned seats.

And now when I look over to the back side of the classroom my eyes fog. And despite that, their faces were so clear. They were so obviously labeled.

Damn.

Even my best friend looked different and as she looked at me I shrunk. I wasn't at her level anymore. I am probably a pity case to her now.

And looking over at my side of the room I couldn't make anyone out clearly. We were silhouettes.

And I put my head down on the desk to stop anyone from seeing my tears. They were there but haven't quite fallen.

And I stayed that way for a minute or two.

"Faith? Are you okay?" A silhouette asked, a classmate named Harper.

And pulling myself together I pull my head out of my arms and nodded yes.

"Mmhm. Just... thinking," but it was too hard and my eyes water again, ready for me to start to cry. But I don't. I turn my head away so they can't see me and face the board.

But I already know how to do this. It's simple. I am pretty sure I learned it in elementary school. I shouldn't be here. On this side. I am smart. But I guess they don't think so. Definitely not anymore for sure.

Do adults not know how hard it is when you're labeled with a stereotype? Especially one not true. No. They happily share who has bad grades and who has good grades. They openly share who failed their test or didn't do their homework.

But.

What if my grades are good?

What if I passed my test?

What if I didn't do my homework because I couldn't?

But no one understands that.

Silently I listen to the gossip going on with my "equals".

"Way to make it obvious"

"How you were teaching before was fine"

"How did I get on this side?"

"Let's ask about this"

"We are going to fall behind"

"We won't be ready for high school if she keeps this up"

And secretly I was thinking the same things.

But teachers are always right.

We learn math and science and history from them. And everything they teach is right. So the way they treat us is right too. Right?

You can't break from this hierarchy. Because if you did, that means you doubt everything you've learned in school. And that can't happen because you've devoted eight years of your life to it.

I stand up suddenly and calm myself and walk to the teacher looking quite fine, "May I go to the restroom?".

"Yes. Just sign out and take the pass"

And she doesn't see. Because no one can see through my disguise.

But. I secretly wished she did see, so I could look her in the eye and tell her why I am upset.