The Not-So-Warm-And-Fuzzy Guide to Polishing Your Crappy First Draft

FIX THAT SHIT

So you finished the first draft of your novel? Congratu-fucking-lations! In the words of Joe Biden, that is a big fucking deal, and in getting there you've moved out of the tribe of people who think 'I could totally write a book,' and into the tribe of people who actually sat down and did the damn thing. Having a completed draft means you've put in hours of time and effort... but I bet your first draft sucks. Like, really, really sucks. I bet it's terrible.

(Just like all of mine were.)

So what's a newbie author to do? Well here's some unsolicited advice from a semi-qualified (CV on request) wannabe author just like you:

1.) PUT THAT SHIT DOWN AND WALK AWAY. No, seriously, WALK AWAY. It's so exciting to finish a full draft... by the time you get to the last page you're pounding the laptop keys with a gusto that says "Hold that Pulitzer bitches, 'cause it's alllllllllll mine." There's nothing like the feeling you get from finishing something big, but that literary high is not your friend. Give yourself a big old pat on the back, and if you're of-age, a celebratory shot of whiskey, but after that, put your manuscript away for AT LEAST A MONTH. Two months would be better. Six months if you can stand it. THEN go back and begin editing.

2.) You know what really, stupendously, especially annoys your loyal readers? I'll casually give you a little hint to see if you can astutely pick it up with your well-trained eyes. Ready? Here's the hint: Eight. That's the number of adverbs I crammed into two sentences, and most of them were entirely unnecessary. Don't try to pad your word-count with a bunch of bullshit. Say what you want to say in the cleanest way possible and leave it at that. Parson Collins was a great character, but can you imagine if he'd written Pride & Prejudice instead of Jane Austen? No one would read that shit. Don't be a Parson Collins.

3.) Read your dialogue out loud, preferably with a friend. If it doesn't roll off the tongue, then it's time for a rewrite. WRITE THE WAY YOU SPEAK, because the act of writing means you're putting your words in someone else's head. That's a sacred fucking responsibility. If dialogue feels forced, your reader will have to force him- or herself to read it. And unless you only want your friends and family reading your stuff (the people who have to love you no matter what), instead of strangers who might be willing to part with some of their cash for the honor of reading your book, compelling dialogue is so important.

4.) Speaking of your word count: One of THE BEST pieces of advice I ever received was to look at the word count of my finished first draft, and set a goal of cutting it by ten percent. Forcing yourself to look critically at every bit of your writing to decide what is necessary to the story and what is just fluff can only make the work stronger. You know how you start skimming over other people's stuff on WattPad after a while, instead of really, actually reading? It's because you're bored. ADMIT IT - YOU'RE FUCKING BORED. Write some shit that people don't want to skim over, because every. single. word. is. important.

To be continued... 

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Writing and copy-editing marketing material used to be part of my job description, so in my own mind, I know a thing or two. Have some great advice for fellow authors that you think ought to be included in the next installment? Leave it in the comments! (Unless your sense of humor is turned off and you find yourself massively offended by what you just read. In that case, feel free to go comment on my novel 'The Fairytale's Daughter' instead, which has zero swear words, and will likely cheer your soft heart right up! Good luck fellow writers! xoxo, Carolyn