Red Hair, Black Soul (Red & Black #1)

36 | Demons of the past

"I don't think they have a name for that." I respond. "But I guess it might have something to do with a foot fetish, just the other way round."

Jed's chest vibrates with his chuckle under my cheek. "I plead guilty." Jed says. "When it comes to you, nothing can possibly embarrass me."

I momentarily blush. Jed has a habit of saying things I don't know how to respond to. This is one of those things.

"So," Jed says when I remain silent for too long. This is another thing I've observed about him recently. Jed doesn't like silence. Whenever it threatens to fall for longer, he always needs to find a way to break it. "Have you played any other instruments?"

I sigh. Back to that. I think I would have been more comfortable with the silence. 

"The violin." I simply say. "And sang a little. But just a little. Not much." I hope he gets the clue and changes the topic.

"Oh, right." Jed sounds as if he's just discovered a life-altering revelation. "You sang that day at Scottinson's right?" 

"Right." I mutter, not entirely happy he remembered. "But it was nothing, really. I was just fooling around."

"Still, it was nice." My whole body lifts with Jed's shrug. "You should to it more often."

"I don't think I will." I murmur under my breath. I am really hoping to God Jed abandons this topic and moves on to something else.

"I mean, not should." He goes on, as if not having heard my response. He seemed thoughtful, lost in his own head. Like he had forgotten I was here and was talking to himself. "Not if you don't like it anymore. But if you feel like you miss it, then well... Why not?" He paused, thinking. "You're obviously good at it. Singing, I mean. And I have never heard you play but... I guess you'd rock my world if you did play for me some day. So if you ever feel like you miss it... Go for it."

Jed moves his hand, sliding his fingers between mine. I watch him watch our hands forming intertwined fists. "I've never had a talent like that. Not once. Not in anything. If you got it, it would be a damn shame to waste it. So whatever reasons forced you to stop playing, you should at least think if they're big enough to be worth abandoning what you had."

Suddenly, Jed blinks, as if clearing his eyes from something. Shaking his head slightly, his gaze travels down and meets mine. He has to lay his chin flat against his chest to do so, and I find it too adorable to my own liking. 

"Sorry. I didn't mean to give you a sermon. It just... It just feels wrong that you'd let go of something that seems so precious to me. That's all." He says apologetically.

"It's okay." I tell him. It really is. Maybe I'm not the most comfortable with the topic - or even not comfortable at all, - but the way Jed said it... No one has ever approached it this way before. My parents, Ms. Brownstone, even my brother - they always had that accusing note in their voice whenever they started the topic of my abandoned music. They always seemed to be blaming me. That was not what I needed.

And Jed... With his piece of advice, the yearning in his voice - yearning for something I had but chose not to use and he never got, but wished to gain, - it all made it honest. Real. Frank. As if he was talking from his own experience and wanted to save me from the mistakes he or someone else he knew had made. It was as if someone finally understood me. Understood what I needed. Not blaming. Not pushing. Not ordering around. What I needed was compassion. And he gave it to me so easily. 

The obvious sadness in his voice while talking reminded me that there are still so many things about him I don't know, - and vice versa. What we're doing is crazy, knowing so little about each other and trying to me more than friends. But that's why we're here for, right? To get to know each other better. To ask the questions we needed to hear the answer to.