They Called Me Beautiful

Fourteen: His Name Is Nial

If she was bursting, I was more so. I avoided Maddie with the diligence of a busy ant, always making sure I had someone else to talk to, somewhere else to be. If she noticed, she didn’t seem to care. She had Meghan and Clara and Nina, after all.

The most amazing thing was, I didn’t care anymore either. She could have them. She could have all the friends in the world. She could be the brightest star in the sky. I simply didn’t care. I knew for a fact that she’d never been asked out. We’d discussed it once.

I’d called and wanted to come over and hang out, and she’d just written a poem. “It’s not to anybody or about anybody,” she made sure I knew. “It’s just kind of fun to think about what it’d be like to have someone love you but not be in love with them. Or maybe you were in love with them, you just couldn’t admit it to yourself.”

And then she read it to me. The soft cadence of her voice, the mournful rhythm of the words, nearly made me weep. I couldn’t believe she hadn’t written to anyone in particular. I wanted to ask if she was sure it wasn’t to Justin, but I wasn’t quite brave enough.

“Remember” by Lane Proctor

Remember, my love, I don’t love you.

These tears are not falling for you.

My heart isn’t breaking for sorrow.

It’s breaking for all that we knew.

Remember, my love, I don’t love you.

I just love the things that you do.

My fantasy’s never been wasted

With dreaming and longing for you.

Remember, my love, I don’t love you.

Though I smile every time I see you.

The feelings within are conflicted.

But I’ve not been waiting for you.

Remember, my love, I don’t love you.

I could lie, but you’d still know the truth.

We never could make it together.

I’m too dark, too different from you.

Remember, my love, I don’t love you.

But there’s times that I really want to.

And tonight I just wish you were closer.

It’s a wish that will never come true.

Remember, my love, I don’t love you.

I just hope the same’s true for you.

Else the sadness you feel when I leave you

Might turn me around back to you.

“It’s beautiful, Lane,” I whispered when she was through. “But so sad.”

“I know, right?” She was smiling, but a hint of sadness tinged her green eyes. “You know what Method acting is, right? Where the actors really feel whatever they’re trying to portray? Well, I’ve been trying Method writing. I don’t know if there is such a thing, but if there is, I just did it.”

We’d talked about having boyfriends then, and about never being asked. She couldn’t wait for the day a guy would come calling; I dreaded it. And here it’d happened to me first.