Frog Prince

That bitch.

This isn't the kind of thing that any old prince can get past. She was so stunningly beautiful (more outside than inside, he could admit that to himself) that the prince firmly believed that she was the one. But as he hopped after her, unable to keep up, he watched his only chance sprint away without him.

The prince might not be able to talk to girls, but he could negotiate--and he could go to war.

So naturally, the prince followed the princess to her castle, hop after degrading hop as he was still getting used to his legs. The princess was at supper with her father, the king, but did the frog prince care? No. He had a bone to pick and he knocked on the door.

No one answered.

He knocked again.

Again, Nothing.

When he knocked the third time, the princess answered and She. Is. Revolted. She cannot believe–oh my god. She can't even. The king, with kindheartedness his daughter didn't seem to inherit, called to the daughter to invite the stranger in. She was horribly embarrassed.

King: So, what does the kind gentleman–

Princess: It's a frog, Dad.

King: It doesn't matter where he's from. What does he want?

Princess: He wants to have dinner with us.

King: Let him in then. There's enough to go around.

Princess: Dad, this is an actual frog we're talking about.

King: We have a fine relationship with France–don't refer to him that way. Be kind and let him eat with us.

So she did what her father told her to do and she lets the prince in. The prince sat on the table, right next to her plate: how appetizing. The princess was crying at this point. She really didn't want to have dinner with a frog. He was dragging his slimy frog tongue all up and down her golden plate (she'll throw it out, later. The cup, too. Boiling it won't clean the memory). This was the most traumatic experience she'd ever had in her pampered little life and she believed she'd never recover from it.

Dinner droned on and on, longer and somehow worse than a lecture from her father about fiscal policy and government. The King didn't even seem to care that the frog at the table is a literal frog. He thought that this little green visitor is charming. All the guard's records and case files always reported such dark news: The Devil was thrown in a drunk tank after an unruly scene by the casino, the ice queen case was going cold, and Death was charged for murder (again). He knew the kinds of things that go on in his country, and this was so mild, so harmless. To the princess, on the other hand, it was the longest meal she ever had to get through (and that includes the blind dates and courting dinners her parents had set up between her country and the next) the frog slurping and smacking his lips and recounting the different types of bugs he had eaten in his amphibian life for the whole table to hear.

After dinner the frog declared that he was tired and wanted to go to bed on her nice silk sheets. The princess was infuriated with this frog's audacity. He wasn't on her level, she thought, and what did she ever do to deserve this? She had promised him, the prince pointed out. The king agreed, and what daddy says, goes. She was damned to carry the frog prince to her bedroom.

Away from the prying eyes of her father, things changed with the princess as the two enter her room as a unit. She was feeling very warm, antsy. Her fingers were itching and she found herself thinking that she just couldn't wait to get her hands on him. Crazy things can happen when no one else is around, and hell, who has to know, anyway? There was a stranger in her bedroom, and the night was all theirs. Her head was reeling, oh man, she was feeling her blood pressure spike. She knew she shouldn't do this (lord, what would her father think?) but she had been a good girl for too long and it was about time she took her life (and his) into her own hands.

She touched the frog and shivers at the feeling of his wet skin on her fingers. She gasped a little, and committed to taking him in her hand. The frog was somewhat confused, intrigued. Was the princess finally warming up to him? Was she lifting him up to give him the famously rumoured kiss?

The princess smiled. Quickly, cleanly, she threw him against the wall. The prince flew across the room and a dull thud could be heard from the next room over. The sound of a frog hitting the wall was dismissed, the princess's scream was not. Servants, maids, the king himself rushed into the room and when the smoke cleared, there was the prince, human again and naked as sin. Everyone was confused and horrified, except the king, who thought this magic show was lovely and a clear sign of who his daughter should marry. It was the best "how did you meet dad" story ever told for years and years to come.