Alien Activity

AT LAST!

Greetings "Charlotte Lee"!

May the Stars Forever Cast Their Light on Planet Chubbchubb! 

Let me begin by saying, young one, that I hope we are in agreement about the necessity of using our "Earth names" when in correspondence. Despite our success at infiltrating the human population I remain forever worried that our discovery is imminent! I can hardly imagine the Earthlings' reaction upon realizing our existence among them. To the humans, you are an innocent "11-year-old girl" and I'm a harmless "old guy"! We mustn't break our cover now! I suspect it would lead us both down a slippery slope of unpleasantness. I'm sure you must feel the same, "Charlotte" (heh, heh).

But enough of the disclaimers! This is a joyous time! For far too long have I wandered this planet alone that I began to believe I was the only Chubbchubbian to survive the Teleportation Project. I see now that I am alone no longer! The cosmic energy of the universe has brought us together! It was a pleasure meeting you the other day. How you knew there was a Chubbchubbian beneath this human body suit is beyond me. Your intuition is either proof of your sharp instincts or the dulling of my own. Had you not made yourself known, I would have missed you completely! These humans lead such busy and confusing lives that keeping up with them has dampened my senses. And furthermore, your suggestion that we secretly stay in touch on this website was a stroke of brilliance. Very discreet. Our line of communication will blend away amongst the millions of other stories posted here and, like the stars of Galaxy 21359, our words will become tiny specks of light in a sky of glitter. No one will ever find us! (heh, heh)

Where to begin? I can hardly decide. I could write a library full of books detailing the oddities of this planet and its people. Most of my library would be about their eating practices! Uncanny! It's so maddening it sets me rambling. So they can eat a cow but not a koala bear? Why I ask you?! Because the koala bear is cute? Do the humans actually believe that cute things are inherently bad tasting? It boggles the mind. Surely I'm not alone in wondering what "szechuan panda" tastes like. Sorry. Too cute. But by this logic the ugliest of beasts should be on every gourmet menu in every country! "Tarsier Tartare" for everyone!

I have to hand it to the cats and dogs (and, to a certain degree, the gold fish). Somehow they've managed to forge an alliance with the humans that the chickens of the world can only dream of. Not only have these cute little beasts managed to avoid the stovetop, they've somehow managed to secure free room and board and bowlfuls of food without having to fulfill a single contractual obligation! Insanity! Don't get me wrong, more power to them...it just doesn't make any sense.

I'll chalk it up to the strange politics of beast feasts I suppose. I don't get it but it is what it is. But do you think the food madness stops there?? No "Charlotte Lee". No. Step into one of their grocery stores and take a moment to wander through the produce section. Am I the only one who finds it ridiculous that they name their fruits and vegetables in the way they do?? English cucumbers? I have yet to decipher whether cucumbers are capable of communication but I am certain that if they could talk they would express their displeasure in not being consulted on their "English" designation. The indigenous cucumbers of the world should bear no political affiliations except those that they embrace willingly! I'm sure the British would argue that by growing up in their soil and feeding on their fertilizer, the cucumbers owe them a debt of gratitude and loyalty. Perhaps! But must that loyalty include the very fabric of their identity? 

And don't get me started on the apple cataloguing system. Could the humans be more obvious in their prejudice? What chance does a "Granny Smith" have of making an impact on the world when sitting next to a "Red Delicious"? The word "delicious" is in the very name itself! What favouritism! If I were the apple known as "Granny Smith" I would be forever sour at whatever human it was that decided on that name. Imagine the thoughts of the average human strolling the grocery aisle: Let's see, let's see...what delicious apple will I pick today...hmmm...let's see....Red Delicious? Oh, that gets my mouth watering for some reason! For some reason my brain is telling me that this is just the perfect option to satisfy my hunger for something delicious! Yum! Oh wait. What's this over here? Olllld Grannnnny Smithhhhh. Ugggh. I suddenly smell moth balls. Biased and unfair I tell you. Change "Golden Crisp's" name to "Beige Soggy" and see how many people flock to the bin. Ironically, the "junk food" designation only seems to foster human gorging. Interesting. On a junk food side note, do you ever wonder if "Smartfood©" stays up at night, tormented before the day of a big math test, worried that he's not going to live up to the hype?

And before you go about thinking I'm mad, that popcorn is not capable of writing a math test, consider this: maybe if the humans didn't put so much pressure on the corn to pop before it was ready it could focus on things like long division, exponents and quadratic functions...or even singing and sports for that matter!

I could go on and on but I feel I'm digressing "Charlotte Lee". These humans have my brain all jumbled! The most important thing of all is that we have found each other! No longer must we bear the weirdness alone! Please stay in contact soon. Perhaps in a week at this same time. And remember to avoid suspicion at all costs. All it will take is for us to get discovered and, who knows? These weirdos might want to make a flambe of us both! (I know I'm not cute enough to get the koala treatment...heh heh)

Until next time! GORGULSPLAZ AND PROSPERITY TO YOU!

Sincerely,

"Chris Sarracini"

P.S. For obvious reasons, I don't have a Chubbchubbian dictionary with me so don't laugh if I spelled "gorgulsplaz" incorrectly. My writing is a little rusty and this spellcheck is useless!