Selfish

I don't know what to name this.

I know a few people care about me, but I don't know why. I'm full of laziness, and I'm an unappreciative asshat. I'm so selfish to the point where I question why those few people care about me. But they are what keeps me alive. I would feel too guilty if I killed myself. It would be a selfish move of mine, and I'm bad enough as it is. I truly pity my parents for having to put up with such a pitiful child as I am. I don't know where the line between normal and dangerous is. I don't know if my suicidal thoughts, my self-hate, depression, and paranoia are just phases, but one thing that I know for sure is that it f**king sucks. Having to constantly hate yourself, screaming at yourself that you're fat and that you should starve. Knowing that you should die, but you're such a wimp to the point where you can't do anything without worrying about others. Having to constantly put other's feelings over yours is painful. Once you start, you can't exactly stop without hurting said person. I want to have a friend, one that I can rely on, but how am I supposed to handle their emotions when I can't even handle mine?