Saving Sweden (COMPLETED ✔️)

21 // Giving Up

21

i was really sad for a while. the worst kind of sad too, the kind where you know deep down, there's nothing you can do even though you wish you could. people don't die from suicide, they die from sadness.

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The nightlight is wasting away and so am I but I know the child within me is swelling and becoming stronger. It's so strange to think that I'm carrying a life. It'll have its own hair colour, its own laugh, smile, it's own twinkle in the eye, its own persona. I'm to feed it knowledge so it can take life without fear at the reigns. What have I done in my short 16 years that will benefit my child apart from lying and breaking people? Maybe I should write a handbook; How Not To Break Someone's Heart.

"You've done nothing and no-one in their right minds would buy it." Holland says slyly and I wince pained at the words. Smoothing my hair, I sigh into the mirror patting at my abdomen before picking up my bag and opening the door. In oblivious unison, Australia and I start towards the stairs. Swallowing hard, he gestures for me to go first and I open my mouth but he scoffs, shaking his head and I feel tears pricking at the corners of my eyes,

"You don't need this Sweden, just go," Holland instructs softly and I descend the stairs, blinking the tears away quickly. With shaking hands, I prepare myself smörgås in the kitchen, fighting poorly with the tears and Holland soothes my aching heart and heavy head with her translucent words. I hear mum and Australia making small talk as the descend the stairs and they enter the kitchen in a loud bustle but instantly the carefree atmosphere is stifled by the profound awkwardness. Mum makes her usual black kaffee and Australia has his back to me as he eats his bowl of muesli,

"Esther, can I talk to you before I leave for school?"Australia asks coolly running his hands through his dark auburn hair. Unusually, he's wearing a plain white t-shirt with the Hollister brand name across it in thick black letter, his navy varsity jacket over the top with some black chinos and All Star Converse. My heart throbs with discomfort at what I've done to this boy.

"Yes sure what is it?" mum answers stirring her kaffee,

"In private if that's okay," he says spooning a mountain of muesli into his mouth. Nodding, mum gestures towards the dining room and as Australia turns around to shut the door, he glowers at me coldly, sending a chill to scrape against my bones,

"What a bitch!" Holland yells and I groan placing my palm against my forehead. She was getting worse even when she didn't mean to, even her breathing was creating an inconsistent throbbing always at the back of my head. Whether it was due to the hormonal changes or Holland now embedding herself in my brain I wish it would stop. After a couple of minutes, the dining room door opens and mum exits looking slightly exasperated but Australia is calm and blasé, swaggering into the kitchen to finish of his muesli and wash the dishes.

Kissing mum on the forehead, he bids her farewell before picking up his back pack and starting for school. Looking between the door and me, mum raises her eyebrows puzzled,

"Don't you guys usually go to school together?" Shrugging my shoulders, I mumble that he has school work that he needs to do and mum nods her head slowly unbelieving. Kissing her on the cheek, I tell her goodbye and step outside into the warm June air that's tickling my exposed arms. My iPhone buzzes in my back jean pocket and I unlock it and reply to Japan quickly:

J: How are my two favourite girls this fine warm morning? Xxx

S: You don't even know if it's a girl and we're fine xxx

J: Ahahaha, I just hope it's one. I would seriously love a little baby girl. She would be my little princess but then again I don't mind a boy xxx

Closing my eyes, I drop my head in exhaustion and let the sun's rays lick my face warm. On the way, I meet up with Lovisa who links our arms and I tell her the harrowing week I've had with Australia nearly on the verge of a hysterical sob. I tell her the avoidance, the cold shoulders, the hateful intimidating glares and the pained maimed expression he possesses the next minute but worse the silence. The not knowing, the unspoken words spinning in the air like a bullet just waiting to shoot me down.

"Don't worry Sweden; you're just getting yourself stressed. He's probably upset that he's not the father," Lovisa coaxes wiping tears trickling down my face with her thumb but another sob hits me. She doesn't know. We're nearing the school gates and there are various students now passing us with curious inquisitive expressions worn on their faces. Standing in front of me, Lovisa places her hands on my arms, stares intently into my eyes and tells me to calm down,

"He'll come around, I know he will. I think he's still hurt he couldn't take you back." Biting down on my lip, I nod my head and wipe my face dry with the backs of my hands attempting to feign a laugh to cheer myself up,

"There we go Swede. It'll be okay, you just wait and see," she says softly kissing me on the forehead,

"Goodness you're such a mess sometimes," Holland says out of the darkness as Lovisa and I cross the courtyard which is accompanied by burning stares. We're joined by Annalie and Björn and we walk with all our arms linked however, Australia and his entourage are hurtling towards us at rapid speed, unaware of our presence. Throwing his head back, Australia lets out a hearty laugh before one of his followers whispers in his ear gesturing with his head towards me. His mouth clamps instantaneously and he abruptly stops, his entourage bumping into each other as they stop behind him and take up glaring at me. By his side is Eleanora glaring at all four of us with her arms crossed across her chest and pouting theatrically.

Stopping myself, I gaze into those green empty eyes and furrow my brows unsure of what to say, hoping he'll say something but he doesn't and only motions for his entourage to part and gestures towards us to walk past. Tugging forwards, Annalie begins raising her chin haughtily and reluctantly I follow, straggling behind only too aware of the students' eyes recording our movements. As we pass the entourage, I snap my head to catch a glimpse into Australia's eyes but he's looking over the top of my head, not acknowledging my presence. Once we're inside the auditoriam, we unlink our arms and all three of them blow out a sigh,

"Well that wasn't awkward at all!" Annalie explains throwing her long skinny arms into the air,

"He could've at least said something," Lovisa says scowling into the courtyard, "whatever, we'll see you two at break time," she says heading in the opposite direction of Annalie and Björn but I'm rooted to the spot gazing mournfully out into the sunlit courtyard through the window but he's been encircled by his entourage. Defeated, I turn around and re-link my arms with Lovisa as we begin down the corridor for morning registration only to miss his dispirited green glimmering eyes take in my crumbling external armour.

Little does anyone realise that he doesn't know what to do or believe anymore. Is Holland now becoming immune to the pills or is it me but Holland is gone now, surely? So there's only one possibility, me. It's all me. He thought of me and not much else, flicking through the dictionary in his head, trying to find the right words to rectify the situation that was fast collapsing at his feet but he couldn't. There was nothing for him. His dad had won. Japan had won. Holland had won.

There was no anger, no hatred, no revulsion or detestation. For some odd reason he was perfectly content with the idea that his mind was devoid of any rational emotion for fear that he might collapse in on himself when they all overwhelmed him. Yes he cried bitterly that night but it was only for a short while before he fell asleep. He dreamt of nothing but her in a thicket of pink and red roses naked, his name swaying from her lips in a euphonious melody.

He was always the loser and would always be the loser no matter how hard he tried. Maybe it was true what I'd said but he didn't want to find out. He was done loving me at my darkest, done making excuses on my behalf, done ripping pieces of his heart to give to me to find that they're left on the floor wilting. His emotions were entirely spent on trying to save me and unfortunately, he thought he'd failed at being my hero when actually he'd done the exact opposite.

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Smörgås - an open sandwich

Kaffee- coffee

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