Life In Gotha

Chapter 7

      Alina woke to the sun streaming through the slits in the blinds that the burgundy curtains did not cover. She stretched her arms overhead luxuriously almost like a cat does when it finds that perfect sun spot on the floor of the your living room. She smiled to herself, a good mood washing over her almost as if from the reminiscence of a lovely dream. She rolled to her left side and her breath caught in her throat with the appearance of Mason. He was still sleeping and as the memories from the day before washed over her, she studied his features. His day old stubble covered his square jaw line and he looked much younger than he was in sleep and the stress from the previous day wasn't etched upon his forehead. She suddenly had a pang of guilt for causing turmoil in his life but then realized, he hadn't complained once and according to him she'd been here the whole time. It was ultimately the turmoil the swirled inside her like a vicious hurricane threatening landfall, that worried her. Without thinking, she reached forward and brushed the hair from his forward head. His eyes fluttered open and there was no confusion there, she was a constant for him, only a smile as he pulled her into his arms. She tried to release the reluctant energy and began to melt into him. It felt nice and long overdue. She felt his mouth against her neck and then her earlobe and felt her body begin to respond. At that point she pulled away and rolled onto her back to stare at the ceiling. She felt Mason stiffen beside her and the silence that followed seemed to drag out for an eternity. Finally, she turned to face him and quietly mouthed, "I'm sorry." His facial expression showed no signs of anger or frustration and he just nodded and wrapped her back in his arms again. She again allowed it and this time felt truly at peace. When he released her, he leaned up on his elbow and it was now his turn to brush the hair from her eyes. He looked at her as if she was some precious treasure and it confused her as to why but she just steadily gazed back into his eyes. Then the sound of Ella's footsteps skipping down the hall turned both their eyes to the bedroom door which slung open in the awkward way of a child and all that remained was her bright smile as she ran full speed to climb into bed with them.

   Alina scooted aside to make room for her precious daughter between Mason and herself and planted kisses all over her cheek as Ella giggled and then she wrapped an arm around her and just held her tight. Thoughts of a life without this beautiful being creeping into her mind and bringing tears to her eyes. She buried her face into Ella's strawberry scented curls and tried to calm herself. Ella continued her wriggling and giggled as she exclaimed for her Daddy to help her. Alina couldn't help but laugh, Ella just wanted to play and she was already an emotional ball of nerves. This child had been so badly wanted and loved from the start and Alina had gone through the stages of grief with the help of a counselor and now here was this colorful blur of life, wide eyed and wild haired, smiling and ready to start her day. Alina could not wrap her mind around how this could be possible but had thrown her usual caution to the wind and was just going with the flow. She looked at Mason as a he swung Ella up over his shoulder and called over his shoulder to Alina over Ella's giggles, "Pancakes or Egg Sandwiches?" This was her family and for now, all those "Why's?" that buzzed about in her head like a hive of incessant hornets would be pushed aside and she would reside in the moment and this gave her great pleasure. "Pancakes." Alina announced as she flung her legs out from under the bed covers almost and headed down the hall to the kitchen.

   The sounds of pots and pans clanging around and watching Mason and Ella make breakfast together from where she was seated at the kitchen island, Alina's heart swelled. They moved around each other, conversing and laughing easily. Ella teasing her Daddy about his famous burnt pancakes and how hers would be a masterpiece compared to his while his eyes danced with amusement as he reminded her that she did get her culinary prowess from her mother. They both looked over at Alina now who smiled but honestly felt as if she was just a visitor in someone else's home or that she was just a theatre goer watching a scene in a beautiful play. She so badly wanted to feel connected but it just wasn't there. There was love there, true and strong, this she knew with a certainty but she felt as though, if this family was being acted out by a brilliant puppeteer, then Mason and Ella manipulated by the same person while she was operated by someone different, someone who didn't have the script and was having to improvise. She she shook her head at this odd thought of her family on strings being manipulated by giants who were invisible to everyone and caught Mason giving her a strange look. "You okay?" He inquired as he leaned across the island so close their noses almost touched. Alina smiled, "Better than yesterday." and shrugged. He touched the tip of her nose with a flour covered finger, "Well that is progress in my eyes." He winked and motioned that she had something o her nose. Rolling her eyes Alina stood and grabbed a hand towel, she wiped it over her nose and tossed it at Mason. She smirked as she leaned down and planted a kiss on Ella's head and tousled her hair, "Need any help, liebling?" Ella was standing on a stool stacking pancakes into a perfect tower from the largest to smallest in circumfrance. "You know breakfast is mine and Daddy's thing, well really mine. He burns it all." Ella was completely stoic in this statement so Alina did her best not to laugh and simply agreed, "Of course, dear. But you will help Mommy with dinner won't you?" Ella's eyes lit up and she beamed as she started to jump up and down almost toppling off her little stool but she didn't even notice with Alina there to catch her, "Yes, yes, yes! You never let me do dinner! I promise I'll do so good!" Alina paused wondering why Mason would allow her help but that she wouldn't, she couldn't imagine any reason she wouldn't want this child to do everything with her. She placed Ella's chin in between in thumb and index finer and tilted her head up to face her, "I know you will." She smiled and looked Ella directly in the eye and nodded at her and Ella nodded yes in response. Mason walked in front the dining room adjacent to the the kitchen and bowed deeply and gestured dramatically, "Breakfast is served, ladies." They both laughed and followed him to the table to enjoy a family meal. Another thought that made Alina's whole body thrilled.

   After breakfast, Ella had disappeared upstairs to her room to play Alina assumed. Now she and Mason stood at the kitchen sink, while she washed dishes and he rinsed and put them into the drying rack. This felt too normal, to the point that it felt awkward and right as she was about to announce what was on her mind, it was as if Mason had read it, "How are you really feeling?" He side eyed her but continued on about his work. She considered this as she swirled the sponge in her hand around on the beautiful china plate in the warm soapy water. She lifted it out to inspect and then handed it to him. "I honestly feel completely bewildered but at the same time, completely composed," she watched his face for signs of reaction, "I know that probably sounds crazy, I know all of this probably does and I can't believe how remarkably you're handling this. How are you really feeling?" Alina had stopped what she was doing and turned her body towards him and leaned casually with her hip against the sink while watching him. Mason turned to face her as well, "I honestly feel terrified. We have shared such a beautiful life together for so long and to think you don't remember any of it but are trying to force yourself to play the part of "you" is little much for any person to take in. The thing is, you are remarkable and always have been so I have faith that whatever this is, we will pull through it with all the grace and dignity that you always make this family seem to have when really, it's all you. It always has been." He took her hands in his and kneaded her knuckles with his thumbs, "I will take tomorrow off from work and we will call Dr. Mead first thing and although it's a Monday, I believe with whats going on we should be able to get an appointment and some answers." He looked up from her hands to her eyes and tried to smile encouragingly, the only problem was the smile didn't quite reach his eyes.