Several years ago my (then) wife decided we should buy a fish tank. She wanted to start with something simple. It seemed like a good idea, so we went to this huge pet store up the street that specializes in exotic pets and fish. My son and I had been there for a school field trip. It is not your run of the mill pet store.
Once we were in and looking around things quickly got out of hand. We were told that the little tank we planned on buying would not work well or last very long for the smallest of fish. The helpful sales person suggested we upgrade.
Then we picked out some simple fish that we thought would be good “starter” fish. Again we were told by the sales person that the fish were not spectacular and we should upgrade.
After a few hours I handed the sales jerk about $300 and thanked him as he helped load the huge fish tank and some weird looking fish into my truck.
When we got home we began setting it up. It turns out setting up a fish tank is a real pain in the ass, you have to drain the stones and get the dust off of them. Plus you have to warm and treat the water so the really expensive fucking fish don't die.
After about 2 hours of screwing around it was set and the fish were added. We turned on the light and watched the fish swim around seemingly happy. We watched a little TV and went to bed.
By the morning we had $60 of dead fish. Floating around in a seemingly dead fish way.
The wife was saddened by this set back and decided we should go back to the store and replace the fish. Which we did.
The next batch lasted a few days, but ended in the same way. As did the batch after that. Apparently we had the “killing field” of fish tanks.
The fish bastard sales nerd at the store said we had an improper chemical balance in the water and we needed to buy a water treatment kit for $40. I said, “give me another bag of sacrifices and we will see about that $40”.
This batch lasted a little longer. But one by one, the fish died out. Until we had one remaining “super fish” swimming around in doomed circles. The wife looked at this last swimmer and said “if super fish dies I am done with the fish tank”. I was thinking about saying something, but learned it's best not to.
The next day I came home from work and the tank is gone. As are the supplies for the tank. Just an empty spot where the tank once was. I set a plant there and said nothing. I figured, why bring it up? It might lead to another cash hemorrhage at the god damned fish store with that fish nazi sales guy.
Oddly enough, the fish tank never came up in conversation. I expected it to come up, but she had just purchased a new video game and was on to something new. I was happy because the video game was a one cost deal. Plus the chances of it dying in the middle of the night were slimmer.
Over the next few weeks the thought of the fish tank faded into the past. Which was cool with me.
The next spring I was taking care of some yard work. Raking leaves and picking up fallen branches and drinking PBR. The wife and the kid had gone to her parents house for the day, leaving me home to putter in the yard.
After farting around for a few hours I decided to trim the front hedge. I started up the trimmer and got to work. Then I hit something with the end of the trimmer, behind the shrub. It made kind of a “ting” noise. I took another swipe at the hedge and hit it again.
I turned off the trimmer and looked behind the shrub and found the fish tank. Inside the fish tank was the gravel, and the little castle with the treasure chest. And all of the equipment for the tank cleaning and feeding. Seems she had just opened the door and hid it behind the shrub.
I was a little confused, but that was normal for me. Plus I remembered we were planning on a rummage sale the following weekend. I figured the fish tank would be a great item to sell at the sale.
So I reached behind the shrub and lifted the tank, it was really heavy. But I got it out and began to walk towards the garage.
Then I was stung by a wasp on my hand. It hurt a little, but I was used to it, having worked as a horticulturist. It was a simple pain. Then I was stung again, and again.
It was around this time I noticed the tank seemed to be moving as I walked. I realized there was a wasp nest in the tank. They were none to pleased that I had decided to move them. I was stung another 10 or 12 times as I looked for a place to set it down.
Then a wasp flew up my nose and I dropped the tank.
The next few seconds were kind of like a cartoon. Where a cloud of angry wasps form above Elmer Fudds head and then attack. I must have looked insane as I ran around the yard slapping myself silly. My dog was helping by running behind me barking and biting at my legs.
I ran to the garage and found a blanket. I wrapped myself in it and rolled on the driveway. I could hear the wasps still attacking through the material.
After a few moments things calmed down and I stood up. The attack was over, but there were still hundreds of wasps flying around. I was trembling and covered with welts as I reached in the cooler for another PBR.
After a few minutes I began to swell up, I walked inside to grab some ice. A few minutes later and I was blown up like a balloon and my eyes were starting to swell shut. I heard a car pull into the drive way so I stumbled out the door.
I could not see who it was but I recognized my wife’s scream. She yelled “Todd, what happened??” and I calmly replied “tell me about the fish tank”. She again asked what happened and I again asked about the fish tank. This went on for a little while until I just told her I was stung 100 times by wasps.
On the way to the ER I asked “why would you put the fish tank behind the shrub?” and she started laughing. Then she said ”oh, that fish tank! I forgot about that”...
Once we got to the hospital they quickly rolled me into a room and hooked me up to an IV. Then a doctor came in and asked me to describe what had happened.
I explained “there was a fish tank behind a shrub in the front yard. I picked it up and was stung by a wasp. I then had a wasp flew up my nose and I dropped the fish tank. Then I was stung about 100 times”.
He looked at me like I was nuts and then said “you were stung 106 times and why was there a fish tank in your front yard?”...
I pointed to Jennifer and said “ask her”.
She just laughed and said “I forgot about it”...
He then asked “how long have you been allergic to flying insects?”.
I replied, “I was not allergic to them”.
He then said “you are now”.
Several years later and a few months before our divorce, Jennifer asked “where is that fish tank we used to have?”... I was thinking about saying something, but learned it's best not to..
