Four years ago, I was a completely different person. I would laugh and think the best of the world. My best guy friend would always talk to me and our conversations would be filled with smiles. We talked about our life goals together. He seemed so perfect to me. For some reason, I knew I could always count on him to be there for me. His name was Lawrence.
Lawrence was a tall, lanky guy who was awkward in a lot of his dealings. Socially, he wasn't the greatest at starting the conversations with random strangers. However, when he knew someone very well, he'd open up and feel at home with them. For a while, we were like that until a year and a half went by. That's when it all changed.
In the summer of 2011, I saw Lawrence in a new light. I fell in love with him. And that's when everything went wrong.
Due to those unexpected feelings, I silenced myself in fear of jeopardizing the greatest friendship I ever had. However, that silence ended up tearing us apart. I thought I was being mature at handling my feelings, but his eyes always asked me "Why?" from across the room. He was so in the dark about everything. I never told him how much he meant to me and that was the biggest mistake I could've ever made.
Telling him would've been easier than what I had chose. I chose to remain silent up to now. I'm eighteen and still haven't said a single word to him. Sometimes, I hope and pray that he might walk up to me and start a conversation again, but I know he wouldn't. Apparently, respecting his viewpoint on "having a drama free lifestyle", meant telling him up front how I felt. But out of those two and a half years of silence, he hardly ever started a conversation with me. Once or twice, he tried those "Hi, How are you?" conversations but I never could muster up the courage to tell him that I loved him.
Now that I think about it, his eyes were always full of questions. If you looked into his eyes, you can tell there's a lot more going on inside. I just have this sinking feeling that the silence made him this way. I just wish that he could just see the same in mine.
The silence drove me insane. I wanted to tell him, but I convinced myself that if he cared about me, that he would come and confront me. However, he never did. And that's partially what made me crack a year ago. But there was more contributing to my depression that trumps loyal love and a broken heart, and it consumed me like a moth to a flame.
