Keep Quiet // Josh Dun (completed)

chapter thirty six :: if i'm tø die beføre yøu

He had a full, hopeful smile on his lips that would soon fade into a dragging frown that would eventually condition his lips to never smile again.

"Come on in." Mrs. Dun opened the door all the way and let him in.

"Hey Nic," Tyler waved, the smiled still tugging at his lips. "Where's Josh?"  

"Just come sit down." Laura led him to the couch, avoid his question.

It was at that point that Nicole decided that she couldn't do it.

She couldn't tell Tyler that his best friend took his own life.

She couldn't look Tyler in the eye and watch the light fade from them as she finished her sentences on Josh.

She couldn't watch him at school everyday with a heavier frown and an endless supply of scars.

She couldn't watch him play his piano or ukulele because it wouldn't be the same to either of them without Josh by his side.

She just couldn't do it.

"I'll um," Nicole got up. "I'll be right back. You can go on." She told Josh's mom.

She went to the next room and leaned her back up against the wall, letting out a shaky breath as she brought her hand up to her neck.

She focused on not squeezing. Not irritating the scabs and deep wounds that already resided. She remember Josh's words.

"And I hate these," Josh put his hand on her neck and ran his thumb over the gauze. "And I don't wanna be the reason that they're here."

Nicole squeezed her eyes shut as tears began falling from her eyes. She could hear Laura speaking in the room over, but she was tuning it out.

Then she heard a bang.

Followed by a loud cry, screaming the word, "No!"

She wailed as began digging her fingers into her neck again, the sound of Tyler breaking down crawling deep into her throat, telling her to end it all.

Nicole heard Mrs. Dun trying to comfort him, but it only resulted in more stuff being thrown. Louder cries. Redder faces. Deeper scars.

Nothing could help Tyler Robert Joseph through the loss of his best friend.

|-/

The funeral.

Nothing could prepare anybody to watch the boy who always had a smile on his face be buried.

There was a long line that strung around the walls to see Josh in his casket.

Nicole was only a few places behind Tyler and Jenna.

She had to turn and bury her face into her father's chest as a wailing Tyler got dragged away from his best friend who lay still in a casket, never to return onto his drum stool.

"Don't look baby." Her father said as he rubbed her back, not wanting her to see the horrific sight of Tyler being hauled away by his parents and Jenna, his screams echoing through the funeral home.

Nicole dreaded seeing Josh, but she knew she had to do it.

Once she got her turn in front of him, she immediately broke down. She didn't even bother putting makeup on that morning because she knew it would just be ruined.

His hair was still the same broken faded pink it was on the first day she met him in her chemistry class.

She grabbed his hand, the lack of warmth giving her flashbacks.

Nicole grabbed her mother's hand and squeezed it before setting it back down.

She placed a long kiss on the back of his hand, squeezing her eyes shut to stop tears from escaping. "You're so cold baby," she whispered. "I'm so sorry I couldn't keep you warm."

"Why is she so cold dad?" A sobbing Nicole after she pressed a kiss to her mother's cheek.

"Dad." Nicole called, signaling him to hand her what she was going to leave for him.

Nicole placed a hand written letter in her mother's hand, having hope that she would one day read about how much Nicole missed her.

She took the pair of drum sticks from her father and put it in his hand. She closed it and squeezed his hand between hers one last before placing another kiss on it.

"Other people are waiting." Her father whispered as nicely as he could.

"I'm not done." She said.

She laid his arm back down, making sure it was in a comfortable position, whether he was able to feel it or not.

"I'm so sorry baby," she sobbed as she grabbed either side of his pale face. "I'll see you later okay?" She nodded, not being able to take herself away from him. "I love you." she placed one last kiss on his lips, trying to imagine then as if they were his usual soft, welcoming lips, but she couldn't. Because they were freezing and pale and she still couldn't believe it was him. "I love you so much." She whispered.

Nicole was lightly guided by her father's hand on her back. She heard him say something towards Josh before they left the line.

"Thank you for treating her well and keeping her alive."

He couldn't do the same for himself.

Mr. and Mrs. Dun were standing together, greeting visitors who gave excessive apologies and told stories about how much Josh meant to them.

Nobody had a better story than Nicole.

Except her story wasn't told my mouth.

It was told through quiet I like you's and handholds during pretty songs.

Through laying on hoods of cars and watching the stars.

Through counting freckles and singing in the forest.

Through one-sided conversations and empty auditoriums.

She hugged Mrs. Dun with everything that she could, even though it felt like a huge task. "I know sorry's don't help, but I can't really think of anything else to say."

"A mother shouldn't have to attend her own son's funeral," Mrs. Dun pulled away. "It should be the other way around. I should be laying in that casket."

Now Nicole had a second date to be permanently etched into her other wrist.