Keep Quiet // Josh Dun (completed)

chapter thirty seven :: nicøle's aftermath

There's a difference between grief and depression.

Depression is irritating. It's like a mouse that chews through your forgotten stuff behind your dresser. It's pesky and annoying.

But grief?

Grief is the snake that overshadows that mouse with its piercing dark eyes that intimate everything that you've ever felt. It's so much bigger and worse than a small mouse. It could eat up the mouse and make it disappear as if it never existed.

There were two shadows that followed Nicole. One is depression, the other is grief.

Depression whispered in her ear in a cowering voice, "I'm sorry for being such a dick", while grief cackles because it knows how much worse it is than the smaller shadow that was depression.

Depression and schizophrenia were things that Nicole was going to be able to work through. She could control them.

However, grief was a different story.

She was going to carry that around with her all of her life. She would never get closure for letting Josh die the way he did. She would never be able to get rid of the darkest feeling there was.

Grief.

|-/

"I'll stay alive for you, okay?" Josh told Nicole. They were in the treehouse again.

"No," she denied, playing with his hand rather than looking at him. "Don't do it for me. Do it for you. At the end of the day, I can't do anything to keep you alive."

Josh shook his head, unsure about whether or not he should believe her words. "I don't really have reasons anymore.."

Nicole sighed. "Yes you do. You have Tyler and Jenna. Your family."

Josh nodded, really only to satisfy her. "Yeah, I guess."

"No you can't just guess. You have to know. Or at least start figuring it out." Nicole pressed.

"I don't have much figured out, but for right now, all I know is that I'm going to stay alive for you."

Nicole jolted awake, tears covering her face. She sat up as quick as she could and tugged her comforter off. She reached over and flicked the lamp on.

4:05 am, the clock on her bedside table read.

The only thoughts on her mind were about Josh.

Her stomach churned as she stared at the picture frame on her nightstand. She picked it up and examined the picture encased in it. The image featured him from his senior pictures. She picked it up and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. She bit her lip to stop the quivering that already began.

She remembered the dream that she had. What Josh said to her about staying alive.

"Y-YOU LIED!" She screamed, throwing the frame across the room. It hit the wall and shattered, falling to the ground. She let out a heavy sob, her face now covered in tears.

"You lied!" She yelled. "You said you would stay alive but now your six feet deep and I-I had to watch you die!"

She heaved as she got up and went to the corner of her bedroom where the picture fell. She dropped to her knees and picked the picture from the pile of broken glass, setting to the side. She ignored the prick and cuts on her hands from a pieces of glass that had pierced her skin when she picked through the glass. She knew that there would be dark red blood stains on the floor the next day.