I'm in love with you. Madly so, and I despise myself for it. For little over two years, I have sustained an ongoing romance with someone that I love. Yet somehow, you drop into my life and I fall in love with you too.
How can I feel this way? It feels like a betrayal of my own morals. I have always been very adamently against infedelity. And still, I feel that there is a risk.
I can never admit that to my boyfriend. I have told him that I am in love with you, and that I will not leave him im favour of you. But I can't tell him the strength of my feelings. The depth. Partly because it will hurt him, and partly because my feelings are so big that I lack some understanding myself.
How can this have happened? I have always prided myself on being strictly monogomous, and yet here I am, lying in bed, thinking about you instead of him. My thoughts go to all the wrong places, all my darkest and most romantic desires blossom in my head when I think of you. My heart pounds. I know that you could never ever have even the slightest feelings for me. That's another reason to hate myself for feeling the way I do about you.
Perhaps there is the smallest glimmer of hope that I will not surrender to the poison that snakes its' way through my brain. Perhaps the poison isn't love. You were kind to me when I was lonely and needy. Not many are patient with me, not many stay and make an effort. You asked what I needed, and then provided to the best of your ability. I seem to have made a habit of clinging to those who make me feel slightly less alone. The ex that toyed with me, made me feel worthless and forced me back into the closet (for what became a further year), only got into a relationship with me because he was there, and kind to me when I was lonely.
I am pathetic and weak. I cannot say that I won't surrender, because that would be an egregious lie. I have already surrendered. From the moment I didn't stop myself, from the moment I heard your voice, from the very moment that you allowed me to see your vulnerablitiy, I had already surrendered.
