Christmases When You Were Mine

When You Were Mine

I watch as delicate snowflakes fall from the thick gray clouds onto the ground, covering it in a pure white blanket. Once the sight of snow on Christmas Eve would've elated me, but now it just drags cumbersome sadness into my heart. Once, I would have immediately run out, not minding the cold, to create snow angels and taste the little flakes on my tongue. Now I make no effort to move from my spot, curled up on the window seat. There was once a time when Christmas was the most wonderful time of the year. Now I find it to be the most dismal.

The burden of sorrow is heavy. The sight of snow adds a weight to that sadness, yet I can't seem to tear myself away from the window. I'm just watching it fall to the ground.

"Noelle!" my mother calls from the kitchen. "We're decorating the Christmas cookies! Come! Join us!"

"I'm good," I reply, slumping back against the wall. The warm scent of cookies wafts around the house, but even that can't lighten my miserable mood.

"Noelle."

I look up to see my mom standing over me, worry creased in her expression. I turn back to the window, not feeling like looking her right in the eye. "What?"

"We're decorating Christmas cookies."

"I don't feel like it."

Her frown is clear through her voice, "You love decorating the Christmas cookies."

"I just don't feel like it, okay?" I snap irritably. I really just want to be alone right now.

My mom sighs. "If you need someone to talk--"

"I don't," I cut her off. Then, feeling guilty for being so short with her, I add, "I just want to be alone right now."

My mom hovers for a second, as if she is going to say something else before deciding not to. The sound of her footsteps soon fades away.

The snowflakes continue to fall.

I was doing fine. I was really okay. Up until the nights got cold. Then the thoughts started creeping in. Remembering all the good times that would be no more. Remembering him. Nicholas, my first love.

I'd always been a little bit in love with Nick. We'd known each other our entire lives, practically from birth due to our parents being close friends. He was my best friend, my confidant. He knew more about me than I did myself, and I him. I thought I'd never lose him. Yet I did.

The one thing I never immediately told Nick was that I was in love with him. It was a long time before I admitted it. What I hadn't realized was that he already knew, because he was in love with me too.

It took us a while to both acknowledge our feelings for each other, but still, I remember that day as if it had just happened.

3 years ago.

My breath puffs out in front of me in the cold, frigid December air. The golden light of the street lamps shines softly, cutting through the darkness of the night. My eyes can't stop flickering over to Nick, who walks beside me.

He's smiling. There aren't many times where he isn't.

I love his smile. I love the way it causes his cheeks to dimple, and those bright green eyes of his to gleam with laughter. There isn't much I don't love about Nick.

We are meandering down the streets on our way home from seeing the light show in the center of town. It's the first of our many Christmas Traditions. First the light show. Then we get our trees and decorate them together. Next we bake Christmas cookies, and on Christmas Eve we exchange gifts in a competition to see who can give the better present.